


She Does Not Remember

by OuMiyuki



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Family, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, This is my first time writing hurt/comfort, writing this hurts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2018-11-16 19:42:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11259657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OuMiyuki/pseuds/OuMiyuki
Summary: Everything seemed normal. Everything seemed fine. Honoka managed to stop Kotori from leaving Japan. Muse managed to save their school from closure. But no one noticed the little changes in the Leader of Muse. Is it too late? Because Honoka has forgotten it all.





	1. She Does Not Remember

**Author's Note:**

> So...Ever wondered what it'll be like if Honoka, the person who brought everyone together, forgets all that she's ever done? 
> 
> Even if you didn't, this is a story about that. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy? :')

The music faded. Her vision faded. She only felt a hard thud to the right side of her head which hit the floor headfirst where she fell. The high fever made everything so painful as she felt the cold of the rain and heat from the fever engulf her body where she laid on the cold, wet floor. And then it was all black. The cries of worries for her name soon became nothing too.

Kousaka Honoka has fainted during their live performance for the School Cultural Festival.

After that unfortunate and fateful incident, Honoka would experience her sight blurring when she walks or runs, but she just shakes her head with her eyes shut tight each time. And when her sight returns to normal, she puts on a smile again and continues with her idol and daily activities.

* * *

"Kotori-chan~~!" Honoka shouted in delight as she ran towards her ash-grey haired childhood friend who has yet to hear the news.

"W-What?" Kotori was surprised by the hug from her energetic childhood friend.

_Eh? What was it that I want to say? Why am I hugging Kotori-chan?_

Honoka paused as she felt a throbbing in her head, but it didn't last that long as she heard her other childhood friend's voice.

"This." Umi lifted the notice paper in her hands.

"E-Eh?" Kotori stuttered still confused and Honoka pulled away from embracing the ash-grey haired girl, putting her hands softly on the ash-grey's shoulder.

"We did it. We really did it!" Honoka remembered the good news she wanted to share. "The school won't be closing down! We really did it!"

"It's…not a lie!" Kotori beamed as the news settled within her and Honoka returned an equally touched and relieved smile.

"Mmph!"

* * *

Everyone decided to have a mini celebration of their success in letting Otonokizaka High not be closed down. Halfway through, Umi calls for everyone's attention.

"I know this is sudden, but…Kotori is going overseas to study… She will leave Japan in two weeks." Umi's solemn tone was the only sound in the extended clubroom.

Honoka sat in silence.

_Kotori-chan is leaving? Leaving Japan? Ugh._

Honoka felt a slight throb in her head.

And some confused murmurs from the others were heard.

Kotori could only keep her head and eyes lowered as she explained, doing her best to keep her voice from breaking. "I've always wanted to study costume design… And then, my mum's friend from the overseas school offered me a spot to further my studies there… I'm sorry… I wanted to tell you this sooner, but…"

"Kotori did not want to dampen the mood during the School Cultural Festival, so she chose not to tell then." Umi added with the same solemn tone.

"So that's why recently…" Nozomi didn't finish her sentence about noticing Kotori's upset mood lately.

"You're not returning once you go, right?" Eli asked.

Kotori nodded. "Probably not until I graduate from high school."

Everyone felt a knot tying in their stomachs from the news, and they did their best to control their emotions, but one did not.

She just couldn't. Honoka stood up, slightly wobbly, both from the impact of the news, and the stinging pain in her head.

"Why…didn't you tell me?" Honoka questioned as she approached Muse's designer, her closest childhood friend.

"As I said, there was the School Cultural Festival." Umi helped answer, though she leaned backwards at Honoka's approach.

"You knew about it." Honoka stated, her lips pressed in a crooked line as she tried to hold back from crying and bursting into a mess of emotions.

Umi and Kotori both flinched from Honoka's blunt statement.

"I…" Umi didn't know what to say as she stared at the ground unable to keep eye contact with the gingerhead who was obviously hurt.

Honoka placed her hands softly above her childhood friend who was soon to be leaving and asked gently. "Why didn't you tell me? I understand that there was the live, but…Umi-chan, Kotori-chan and I have always been together!"

"Honoka!"

"Please try and understand Kotori's feelings-"

"I can't understand!" Honoka shouted as she held back the tears that threatened to explode from her shimmering blue orbs. "She's leaving! We've always been together, but we're going to be separated! Yet…" Honoka lowered her head, the pain was threatening to split her apart, but she held on.

"I tried to tell you a bunch of times…" Kotori started, and Honoka looked up, shocked to hear that the ash-grey said she tried to tell her. "But you were so focused on the live performance…focused on Love Live…" Kotori smiled despite the melancholy weighing inside her. "So I was going to tell you after the show… I was going to discuss with you about it…but _that_ happened…" The tears escaped wet golden eyes. "I wanted to tell you! I wanted to discuss it with you before anyone else! After all, you were my first friend! And the friend that has always been beside me!" Kotori hunched her back as the tears continued to fall, and she revealed how much she wanted to speak to her first and bestfriend but couldn't.

Honoka's mouth was left agape and dry as she wanted to desperately say something, but every single word that Kotori laid out on her just served as a blow to her already aching head.

"Of course…" Kotori stood up abruptly causing Honoka to fall backwards. "Of course I wanted to tell you!" Kotori ran off in tears, unable to stay and face everyone, unable to face her dearest friend.

"Kotori-chan!" Honoka stood up, her face was flushed as she felt the world around her turning blearier as her childhood friend ran off, down the corridors, getting further and further away from her.

Umi continued defending Kotori, telling Honoka why she was not informed, and that Kotori most probably did not want to go, how much Kotori wanted to speak to Honoka, asking Honoka to understand. But those words barely reached the gingerhead who could only stare at the empty doors, the ringing in her head only resounding louder and louder, as the pain increased tenfold till she felt nothing.

* * *

Honoka stumbles her way out of school alone after finding out that Kotori is leaving Japan for good, and has ran away from her.

"Kotori-chan…"

Honoka gripped her arms tightly, nails digging into skin as the pain from the thought of losing her childhood friend and the pain from her head tried to eat her whole.

_It's all my fault… Kotori-chan is leaving because I did not notice.. Kotori-chan is leaving because I did not notice how much she was worrying… Because I did not notice Kotori-chan wanted to talk to me… Because I was so caught up with Love Live… Because I overworked myself and fainted… Because… Because I'm such an insensitive idiot!_

Honoka blamed herself over and over again as her legs brought her onto the road before the traffic turned green. A fast approaching blinding light seemed to engulf Honoka's entire existence as a loud beep of the car got her attention.

_Am I going to-_

Honoka didn't finish her own thought as she blinks and back stepped as best her clumsy legs could bring her. Her ankle tripped on the pavement she backed up to and fell, the back of her head hitting into the curb with a loud thwack.

"Ugh..!" Honoka groaned on the ground. She escaped death, but her head still suffered, now from an external injury too.

"This is all my fault…" Honoka curled up on the cold ground as the tears left her blue orbs that no longer shined.

Maybe ten minutes passed, or an hour. It didn't matter. Honoka wasn't dead. The pain in her head subsided enough for the gingerhead to push herself off the ground to trudge her way back home. Even though her head felt slightly damp and pain, she did her best to ignore it and go home.

* * *

Kotori is leaving. Everyone is upset, but staying upset doesn't help the situation in any way. So Eli suggests having a final live with the nine of them before Kotori goes. Honoka is still blaming herself for all that has happened, and really…

" _This will be the last live with all nine of us."_

Eli's words rolled inside Honoka's head, and she didn't like the sound of it one bit.

_Last? Live? Nine of us?_

Honoka decides she does not want to have anything to do with performing anymore. What's the point? There's no meaning in continuing. And so…

"I quit. I quit being a school idol."

Nico was stopped by Maki from raging at Honoka physically, but her other childhood friend was not going to stand around doing nothing.

Umi grabbed the ginger's hand and gave a tight slap that stung the gingerhead and herself at the same time. Though it wasn't just Honoka's cheek and heart that ached. She felt a throbbing pain shoot through her head again, as though an old wound was opening, but even so, the pain in her empty heart resounded louder.

* * *

Later at home, Honoka blacks out in her room.

Coming to after an unknown amount of time, Honoka held up her phone, and opened her photo album. Staring at some of the images that held scenes of a blue haired girl, ash-grey haired girl and a ginger haired girl smiling broadly; Honoka frowned as she could not remember what exactly happened then for the three of them to be smiling so happily.

* * *

Honoka got Kotori to stay in Japan after she had a heartfelt confession with Umi and received the push to run after their childhood friend that was at the airport.

Honoka stopped Kotori from leaving and brought her back for Muse to perform START:DASH together. And finally, all is well and happy as a new chapter was beginning.

All it took was one more simple accident to break the already existing crack.

Honoka felt happiness well up in her heart. She was genuinely glad that everyone is still together. Honoka smiled from the bed she was sitting on, but as the faces of each member in Muse appeared in her head, as she tried to remember the performance that just ended; everyone's happy and satisfied smiles. The images swirled and blurred within her, Honoka held her aching head in her hands and tried to shake the pain away like how she's always done.

"Ugh…"

Honoka got onto her feet and tried to walk, but trips on her own unstable feet. She hits the side of her coffee table, rendering her unconscious.

* * *

The next morning, Honoka's younger sister, Yukiho enters her room to wake her.

"Onee-chan, why are you sleeping on the floor? You'll catch a cold like that! Do you want to fall sick again?" Yukiho shook Honoka who was lying on the floor.

"Nn…" Honoka came to slowly.

"Onee-chan, Onee-chan. You're going to be late again! C'mon, wake up and prepare for school!" Yukiho gave a light slap to her sister's shoulder to urge her older sister off the floor.

Honoka stared at the redhead squatting close to her. She felt scared as she closed her lips tightly together, afraid and unsure of what to say.

_Who is she? Where am I? She's calling me 'onee-chan', so…I'm her sister? If that's the case…I shouldn't worry her…_

"… School..?" Honoka asked.

"Yeah. Change into your uniform and go to school." Yukiho points at Honoka's uniform and the gingerhead nods slowly.

After changing into her uniform, Honoka went downstairs and was greeted with more unfamiliar faces that seemed to be her mother and father.

Honoka clenched her fists.

_There's no point scaring everyone. It's better if it's just me who's afraid…_

Honoka decides to handle all the scary and lost feelings on her own as she pretended to know who she was talking to. Skipping a hearty breakfast, she left for school.

Her body seems to know the way down the streets that was familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.

"Honoka-chan!" Kotori who saw her childhood friend at the front called, but there was no response.

"Honoka-chan!" Kotori tugged her childhood friend's hand for her attention.

The gingerhead jumped a step away from the sudden contact. "Who?!"

"Honoka-chan, good morning!" Kotori greeted with a bright smile.

The gingerhead returned with a blank stare.

_I'm Honoka..? I think my mum was calling me Honoka earlier too… Who is this though?_

"Honoka-chan, are you still half asleep?" Kotori teased, though the lack of response made her smile turn small.

"Good morning, Kotori, Honoka." Umi approached from behind.

"Good morning, Umi-chan." Kotori turned to greet her other childhood friend that has arrived.

_So her name is Kotori? And the other girl is Umi… She seems to know me too…_

"Let's go to school together, Honoka-chan!" Kotori chirped happily, brushing off Honoka's earlier reaction due to being half asleep.

"L-Let's, Kotori…" Honoka replied and turned to walk.

"Honoka, are you okay?" Umi asked as her eyes observed how Honoka took really long to respond.

"I'm okay..?" Honoka replied uncertainly after she realized she was being talked to.

"You usually address Kotori with a 'chan' added." Umi pointed out.

"Now that you mention it…" Kotori commented softly.

_Uh-oh… I made a mistake with how I address others… What should I do? They both look worried already… I don't want to worry anyone, so…_

"I-I was just trying something new… Heh heh…" Honoka laughed awkwardly to her lame excuse.

"Is that so?" Umi believed Honoka and continued on her walk.

"But I'll stick to the…usual…I suppose…" Honoka mumbled the last parts.

_Whatever usual is…_

* * *

Apparently they have physical education today. Halfway through, Honoka felt faint as a slight pain in her head greeted her.

"Honoka, look out!"

Honoka turned sluggishly at the shout of caution, the next thing she felt was a ball in her face, and she is hit unconscious.

"Honoka!"

"Honoka-chan!"

Voices of concerns that were not heard by the already fallen gingerhead rushed over to her side.

* * *

Honoka's heavy lidded eyes slowly pried open to the conscious world.

"Nn…" Honoka groaned softly when she tried to move her arms that felt heavy as lead.

The movement got the attention of the other occupants in the nurse's office immediately, and blurry blue eyes were met with eight worried faces.

"Honoka-chan!"

"Honoka!"

The eight people with worry-stricken expressions called loudly.

"Honoka-chan, thank goodness you're awake!"

"Honoka, how are you feeling?"

"Honoka, I'm glad you're okay!"

"Honoka-chan..!"

Many concerned words were spoken. Relief had replaced the worried expressions of the eight other girls.

However, the one girl that they were concerned for had an expression they could not comprehend or wanted to see; the ginger haired girl on the sick bed had an expression equivalent to that of fear and confusion.

"Honoka..? Are you feeling alright?" Umi posed the question on everyone's mind.

"Who..?" The ginger haired girl asked through her hoarse voice filled with uncertainty and that lurking fear.

Honoka's question brought upon a deadly silence in the nurse's office and a fast creeping feeling of dread in the eight other girls' hearts.

"Honoka-chan..?" Kotori held the ginger haired girl's right hand in both of her shaky ones. The ash-grey haired girl felt the hand flinch from her touch, and she felt her heart breaking even more than it already was.

"Honoka…Stop messing with us…" Umi tried for a smile, though her expression betrayed her, the doubt in her heart showed on her face. Almond eyes looked into almost seemingly blank blue eyes and Umi caught the slight head shake the ginger haired girl did.

"I'm-"

"Honoka-chan…D-Do you know who I am?" Kotori was crying as she pulled the ginger's hand closer to her, just like she was holding onto hope dearly for Honoka to just tell her this was all a nasty prank.

The ginger haired girl turned her head to look over at the crying ash-grey haired girl. "I'm…Honoka?"

Kotori sobbed.

And everyone else felt their heart break further.

"You're Kousaka Honoka…" Nozomi spoke up though her voice cracked at the last part.

"Honoka-chan…Honoka-chan! Honoka-chan! You can't forget me…Us…!" Kotori shouted in between her waterfall tears and hiccups. The ash-grey stood up and pulled the gingerhead into a tight and desperate embrace. "I'm Kotori! I'm Minami Kotori! Your childhood friend! Honoka-chan…"

The gingerhead again flinched at the sudden contact. She could only just sit there and be hugged as she felt sorry for the ash-grey haired girl that's hurting so much. But…she just doesn't know who they are. She can't remember.

"I'm sorry…"

Kotori cried harder.

"Kotori…Don't…" Umi placed a hand on the shoulder of her broken childhood friend to pull Kotori away.

Once Kotori slumped back down on the chair with her continued sobs, Umi had her eyes back on Honoka on the sick bed.

"Honoka…" The gingerhead took two seconds longer than necessary to respond to her own name.

Umi frowned and bit her lip. "Honoka, I'm Sonoda Umi. Also your childhood friend…"

Honoka blinked and lowered her gaze to the white blankets. "I…I'm sorry, I-"

Umi broke. She did not want to hear an apology. She wanted her Honoka back. "I don't want to hear you say you're sorry!"

Umi stepped closer to Honoka and had a strong grip on Honoka's shoulder; the gingerhead winced from the strength.

"I-"

"Say you're Honoka! Say you're Kousaka Honoka! Say that you know who I am! Who Kotori is! Who Muse is!" Umi shook violently at her childhood friend's shoulders as tears fell from her eyes.

"M-Muse..?" Honoka asked as she was being shaken.

Umi's world was a blur from the constant and abundant falling of tears as she was pulled, no, pried away from her dearest childhood friend.

"Umi, get a grip of yourself. Calm down. You're hurting Honoka! Umi!" Eli tried to be the voice of reason and calm as she bit back the tears that threatened to fall from her own blue orbs.

Umi shook her head violently as she hugged her own cold arms and stood to a side.

Nico decided to speak up next as she took a step in front. "Y-You couldn't possibly have forgotten about the Universe's Greatest Idol, Nico..right?" Nico put up the best Nico-nico-ni smile and pose she could do at the moment for Honoka.

"Idol..?"

Honoka's question only served to plummet everyone's hearts even more.

Hanayo turned away, unable to watch any longer as she broke into sobs from where she stood, her hands covering her eyes and mouth.

"Honoka-chan… Kayo-chin…" Rin's water works had long begun as she looked to the gingerhead with the sad, confused, yet blank look, before embracing her bestfriend to seek comfort with each other.

"Don't…Don't mess with me, Honoka! Idols. We're school idols!" Nico shouted and might have jumped the ginger haired girl if Nozomi did not place two hands on the shorter girl's shoulder to hold her back. "Nozomi, let me go!"

"Honoka-chan is hurting…" Nozomi choked back her tears.

"We're hurting!" Nico screamed and fell to her knees as she let the tears fall from her ruby eyes. She hated herself for that; an idol should keep smiling, a friend should stay strong for a friend that's hurting…

The redhead that has kept silent for a while now approached the gingerhead.

"… I'm Nishikino Maki." Maki bit her lip after introducing herself _again_ to the ginger haired girl who is supposed to already know her, know her a lot, know her well.

The ginger haired girl looks at Maki and nods slowly.

"Can I hold you?" Maki asks, her fingernails digging into her arms.

"If…If that helps…I'm sor-"

Maki cut Honoka's apology off by pulling the gingerhead in for a hug. Once her face was hidden from Honoka, hidden from everyone else; the tears she tried to bit back rolled down endlessly.

Honoka felt her back got wet, so she knew. She also felt the hands that held her gripped at her shirt. Yet, there was nothing she could do, but just sit there.

After some time, Maki sniffled and roughly wiped her eyes to clear the tears before she broke from the one sided hug.

"I've called the ambulance. You need a checkup. Understand?" Maki informed, and the ginger haired girl eyes' widened before she nodded her understanding.


	2. Hospital Results

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there... :) Ready for more sadness that makes your heart clench? I'm not. :')
> 
> May you enjoy~

Dazed blue eyes looked around the room and all she could see was white. She sighed.

_A white room again huh..? Well, I am in a hospital after all..._

Honoka turned her head towards the door where she can vaguely make out a few heads which she assumed to be the doctor and people that knew her.

_..._

The constant silence in the room almost caused a loud ringing to buzz in the ginger's head, so she frowned and shook her head slightly. She concentrated on the murmurs of voices outside instead.

* * *

"The patient has amnesia due to a blood clot near her brain."

"What?"

"Is that serious?"

"What will happen to Honoka-chan?"

"How did this happen..?"

"Honoka..."

Maki cleared her throat. "Let Mama- Doctor Nishikino finish explaining."

The ten other people which also included Honoka's family members kept silent at the redhead's tone.

Doctor Nishikino smiled a small, understanding smile; she has seen many cases of worried friends and families through the years of being a doctor. This case was no different, even if it's someone she knows.

"Leaving the blood clot as it is could lead to it worsening and the patient might even suffer a stroke."

Honoka's mum gasped, both hands to her mouth while her husband squeezed her shoulders gently. "Stroke..."

"I recommend removing the blood clot. Which is possible by surgery or medication." Doctor Nishikino made eye contact with Honoka's parents as she waits for further questions or decisions.

"Wh-What is the...success rate of the surgery?" Honoka's mum asked, her voice shaky.

"A blood clot surgery of this level has an estimated seventy-five percent success rate."

"... What will happen if it fails?" Yukiho questioned.

Doctor Nishikino looked over to the younger Kousaka. "The veins in Kousaka Honoka's brain might-"

"She'll die?" Yukiho cut her off. She didn't feel like listening about the specifics of how her sister's brain is going to be damaged which leads to the loss of her sister.

"Brain dead is similar to that of death, yes." Doctor Nishikino replied her tone constantly solemn.

Yukiho clenched her fists around her skirt, while her parents held each other in comfort; wondering what to do next.

"You don't have to make an immediate decision right away. You can go take a look at your daughter first. She should be awake already."

Honoka's mum nodded and they hurried into the ward where Honoka is in. The remainder of Muse followed in but know to let Honoka's family members have their time and space with their daughter.

* * *

Honoka's mum gazed sadly at her eldest daughter sitting on the hospital bed; the usual Honoka would be bouncing on bed with a wide smile and greeting them, but alas she was not.

The gingerhead stared back with an unsure expression. She even visibly shrinked inwards, clearly afraid of the people around her she does not remember.

_More people I don't know... Don't remember..._

"Honoka..." Honoka's mum reached a hand over to hold her daughter's face softly, but was met with her daughter shuffling backwards in the bed, her fear tenfold.

"Wh-Who are you?" Honoka asked in a soft voice; she was afraid but she still made eye contact with the woman she was speaking to before lowering her gaze to stare at the woman's chin instead.

_Why did she try to touch me? Are we supposed to be close..?_

Honoka's mum felt ready to break down into tears as her heart ached from her own daughter's question, thankfully, her husband's firm hands on her shoulders gave her the necessary strength to go on.

"I- I'm your mum...Honoka..." Honoka's mum collected herself again before placing a gentle hand on her husband's. "And he is your dad..."

_My mum...and dad... Why can't I remember a thing about them..? They just look like strangers that are really sad..._

Honoka's dad nodded to his elder daughter when the gingerhead looked over but quickly lowered her gaze again. Honoka's dad may be a strong man, but there are situations that can hurt him; his daughter being afraid to look at him because she does not recognize him is one that tore his heart.

The gingerhead flinched when she felt someone else's warmth on her hand. Looking over, she sees a redhead with a very fierce expression; Yukiho was doing her best to hold back from screaming at her older sister and from breaking down into a sobbing mess. She had to stay strong for her parents and sister.

_Who..?_

"Onee-chan..." Yukiho called before boring her eyes into Honoka's nape as she could not bear the sight of her older sister that looked afraid of her.

' _Onee-chan'... I'm her older sister..?_

Honoka's expression softened slightly at the way she was addressed by the redhead; Honoka may have forgotten how her family looks like or what they've experienced together, but it didn't change the fact that Honoka cared for her family's happiness. Honoka mustered a tiny smile despite how scared she was of all the unknown.

"M-May I know your name? ..Or...How did I address you..?" Honoka asked, her voice still small as she didn't want to speak out of place.

_I guess I should find out how I..._ _**used to** _ _address the people..._ _**I knew** _ _..._

Yukiho's eyes widened at her older sister's initiative to ask her name, when she looked up to see the small smile on the ginger's face; she did not know to feel glad that Honoka was opening up to her, or devastated at the vast difference from her older sister's bright smile she used to always wear.

Yukiho mustered her own small smile for her sister and tightened her hold on the ginger's hand. "I'm Yukiho. And you call me Yukiho too..."

"Yu...kiho..." Honoka tried calling her sister's name albeit shy and uncertain, the redhead felt some warmth welling up in her as she threw her arms around the gingerhead who was no less than surprised. "E-Eh?!"

_Why- Why are you hugging me so suddenly!?_

"Onee-chan...Onee-chan..!" Yukiho hugged her sister with all her might.

Honoka gulped nervously; such an emotional hug from someone she just got to know, even if it is her younger sister scares her.

"Do...Do you remember anything? Anything at all?" Yukiho pulled back a little, tears free falling from her azure eyes.

_I made my younger sister cry because I don't remember her..._

Honoka saw the tears and immediately felt responsible for causing sadness to the redhead. She wanted to do something for her, but she just can't pull up a single memory with the girl in front of her. Honoka frowned as her head started to ache from trying to conjure up a memory; her hands naturally moved up to her head and clutched it.

_Why can't I remember a thing..? Who is...Yukiho..?_

"Ugh..." Honoka shook her head. "I...No...Ugh..." The gingerhead gripped the sides of her head strongly as she shook her head from side to side, hoping for the pain to disappear.

Yukiho fell backwards, away from her older sister that was in pain. The redhead's heart stung from the cold, hard truth; her older sister does not remember anything with her. And now her beloved older sister is in pain. She covered her mouth with her hand to muffle and stop her cries.

"Honoka..? Honoka dear, are you okay?" Honoka's mum croaked as she tried to reach out to her daughter that looked like she was going to crush her skull.

"Nnghh..." Honoka frowned in pain and shook her head rapidly; desperate for the pain to go away.

"Let me take a look." Doctor Nishikino stepped up and placed gentle hands on the gingerhead's shoulder. "Honoka-san, relax. Breathe in slowly...Then breathe out slowly... There's no need to rush to remember..." Doctor Nishikino instructed with a soothing voice.

_Nnghh...Breathe...slowly..._

Honoka's grip on her head slackened as her breathing stabilized. "I...I'm sorry..." Honoka looked from the doctor to her family members with a pained and apologetic look.

_I'm sorry for making you sad..._

Her family member's tear-streaked faces and obviously hurt looks only made the gingerhead feel even more guilty, while her family was feeling sad and helpless for their daughter and sister respectively.

Yukiho felt like she could not hold back much longer, so she turned tail and ran out the ward, she didn't want to outrightly sob in front of her older sister. Honoka's mum turned around to bury her cries in her husband's shoulder, and her husband gently guided his wife out of the ward as he shed silent tears, nodding to the doctor that they will be outside.

"Remember to take deep and slow breaths when you feel unstable, alright Honoka-san?" Doctor Nishikino gave a small squeeze to her patient's shoulder. Once she received a nod from the gingerhead, she turned to exit and continue the necessary discussion with Honoka's family.

"Mama..." Maki murmured when her mum walked past her.

"Take care of your friend." Maki's mum gave a reassuring squeeze to her daughter's shoulder coupled with an encouraging smile before she went on her way.

* * *

Eight girls; eight very close friends of Honoka's stood rigidly as they tried to digest the gingerhead's and her family's interaction that just passed. Many wanted to hurry beside their friend, but they weren't sure how to go about comforting or just talk to the gingerhead whom is going through a lot.

The timid brunette of the group pulled up a determined face as she walked over to her ginger friend, her two hands intertwined together in a prayer.

"H-Honoka-chan..." The brunette stuttered out in a really soft voice.

Honoka looked up to see who has approached her, and saw a short-haired, bespectacled brunette who looked afraid of her; the gingerhead shared the same sentiments, though the brunette wasn't afraid of Honoka, but afraid that she will cause harm to Honoka.

_She's one of the girls back in the nurse's office at school... I think..._

"Honoka-chan...You...probably don't remember me...I'm...Koizumi Hanayo..." Hanayo steeled her heart to look at her dear friend even if it means she's met with an afraid, sad or blank expression; what Hanayo saw was Honoka's eyebrow slightly furrowed in thought. The brunette pressed her connected palms together tightly, hoping that Honoka won't push herself too hard to remember till she hurts.

_Koizumi...Hanayo... She looks gentle and kind... But... I can't bring up anything that indicates that... Uh-_

Just before Honoka reached the limits of attempting to search for out-of-reach memories, Hanayo spoke up again. "I..." Honoka looked up, a tiny tear forming at the edge of her eyes from trying to remember.

"You usually call me 'Hanayo-chan' or 'Kayo-chan'... Depending on how you feel...I guess..." Hanayo lowered her head, upset that she could not tell more of when the excitable gingerhead of the past would choose which nickname for her.

_How I feel..._

Honoka had a small smile mixed with a whole lot of melancholic feelings she hoped did not show. "Ha...nayo-chan..."

"Y-Yes!" The brunette immediately responded to the voice that she missed so much. The tiny smile from the gingerhead that graced her also served as a confidence boost as the brunette sucked in a breath of air to continue her approach.

"Honoka-chan... Once you get better, and I mean once you get discharged!" Hanayo quickly added so that the gingerhead won't fall into depressive thoughts of when she would be "better". "Let's...go get rice together...Like onigiri! Mmph, I'll make onigiri for you and we can eat it together like we use to!" Hanayo smiled widely, maybe drooling a little too as she spoke of her beloved rice and eating that beloved rice with her dear friend.

_Hanayo-chan looks happy... I'm glad..._

Honoka's lips edged upwards a bit more than before. "Hanayo-chan must really like rice..."

Hanayo beamed as she took in the smiling gingerhead; even if it's not as wide as it would have been, Honoka was smiling at her. "Mmph! I love rice! And we even sneaked some together when we were supposed to be running, Honoka-chan!" Hanayo giggled a little at the memory.

Honoka's expression took a dip to sadness again as she lowered her gaze to the bed sheets instead of the brunette.

_Eating rice with Hanayo-chan... when we were running..? ..._

"I'm sorry...I don't know... I don't remember..." Honoka apologized in a soft voice.

Hanayo took an involuntary step backwards as she lost the joyful feelings she had from earlier and the thoughts that she was making a positive progress with her dear friend vanished.

"I...I'm the one who's sorry, Honoka-chan... I shouldn't have talked about that...!" Hanayo felt the heavy feeling in her chest return.

_Don't apologize...Hanayo-chan... This is my fault... Why can't I remember a thing..?_

Rin jumped to the front, unable to stand the sight of her two bestfriends apologizing to each other and being nothing but sad. "It's no one's fault, nya!"

Rin placed a reassuring hand to the brunette's shoulder before standing closer to the gingerhead. "Honoka-chan... Rin is...Hoshizora Rin. And I'm Honoka-chan's friend, nya!" Rin did her best to keep the positive attitude even though the ginger haired girl was staring gloomily at the blankets and the people behind her were almost equally or more glum.

_Rin..?_

"And you always call me Rin-chan, nya!" Rin did a nya pose with her cat-like grin; with a small wish in her heart to instil some happy, positive feelings in everyone.

Honoka gave a sidewards glance to the orange haired girl with the tomboyish short cut.

_I should say something before I cause her smile to disappear..._

"Rin...chan..nya?" Honoka wanted to add a smile, but for some reason her face muscles weren't obeying.

Rin kept her positive energy on high as she bounced to Honoka and took the gingerhead's hand in hers. She felt the flinch but did her best to ignore the twisting pain in her heart. "It's only 'Rin-chan', nya!" Rin giggled at the cute mistake the gingerhead made.

Said gingerhead blushed slightly. "Rin-chan..."

"Yup, nya!" Rin nodded.

"Why do you say 'nya'..?" Honoka asked, her body wanted to take her hands back, but the grip of the girl that go nya tightened.

"Because Rin loves cats, nya! Isn't nya cute?!" Rin bounced on the spot energetically.

Honoka giggled a little.

_Is she asking if she's cute or asking if the sound 'nya' is cute? Either way...Rin-chan is cute..._

Honoka's soft but genuine giggle served as a lifebuoy for her friends lost out at sea as they could see a hint of old Honoka.

Rin threw the gingerhead's hands in the air before tackling the ginger into a heartfelt hug.

"R-Rin-chan..?" Honoka was surprised at the sudden close proximity and she felt scared all over again.

"I love you, Honoka-chan, nya~!" Rin exclaimed before hands reach over to pull the cat girl back.

_L-Love me..?_

"Rin...Don't frighten Honoka... I think she does not take well to sudden physical contact..." A gentle but serious voice spoke.

"Eli-chan... But Rin likes hugging Honoka-chan..." Rin pouted as she got pulled back to the crowd of girls.

_I'm sorry... I just... don't know how to react to such close actions with people I don't know..._

An audible sigh got heads turning to the redhead of the group.

"Maki-chan..?"

Maki looked to the purplenette, blond and onyx haired girls. "Honoka needs to get some rest soon. So why don't you three introduce yourself to her before we go?"

The three third years realized that they were the only one that haven't properly introduced themselves, though it's debatable whether the gingerhead's childhood friends had a 'proper' introduction earlier at the nurse's office since they were a crying mess.

Eli nodded and walked over to Honoka's side. "Honoka..." Eli called gently which the gingerhead responded by giving her attention to the tall blond beside her.

"Do you...know who I am?" Eli didn't know what compelled her to ask that insensitive question; she supposed deep down she just wanted for the miniscule of a chance for Honoka to say that she knew who Eli is.

_A tall, beautiful and blond girl..? She has a gentle voice...so I guess she's really kind and gentle too... But... Who..? Uu..._

Honoka took her time to answer as she scrutinized the blond. Her expressions changing from wary to thoughtful to pained in the time she took to reply.

"Honoka." The gentle voice commanded as she took the ginger's hands that instinctively went up to the side of the ginger's head from trying to force a memory out.

Honoka allowed the blond to hold her hand gently as she searched the girl with scared and apologetic blue eyes.

Gentle and exhausted sky blue eyes locked with the ginger's as she gave a smile that was hopefully encouraging, not reflecting the disappointment inside her.

"Honoka... I'm Ayase Eli. I'm...your friend... And also the president of the Student Council..." Eli had a wry smile as she thought about her position in school which allowed her to meet the forward-looking, ball of sunshine also known as Honoka; she knew better than to make another insensitive comment though.

_Ayase Eli... I'm friends with the Student Council President..?_

Honoka opened her mouth but nothing came out as she wasn't sure how to address the girl.

"Eli-chan." The blond answered Honoka's unspoken query.

"Eli...chan..." Honoka said the name of her supposed friend.

Eli nodded and breathed in deeply to stop the influx of tears. She gently pulled her hands away from the ginger's as she covered her mouth and walked over to the group, indicating that she was done with her turn.

The purple haired girl looked over to the shorter girl with twin tails that shrugged. Understanding it as allowing her to go first, she went up to the gingerhead who was waiting for her next visitor.

"Hey there...Honoka-chan..." The purple haired girl tried to bring out her usual calming grin but she felt that the nervousness and sadness in her heart might be showing.

The purple haired girl paused, wondering what to say next while Honoka stared.

_She looks like a really nice person..._

"Could I- Could I sit here?" The purplenette scolded herself internally for stuttering; she felt that she had no rights to be displaying upset and dejected emotions when the gingerhead with the amnesia was sure to feel even more scared and lost.

Honoka nodded for the purplenette to sit on the bedside.

"I'm Toujou Nozomi... Everyone tend to tease that I'm the mother of the group...Even you..." Nozomi smiled a forlorn smile.

_Toujou Nozomi... Mother..?_

"Do you think caring a lot for everyone makes you the mother?" Nozomi let out a soft chuckle as she fidgeted with her fingers.

_No...but being seen as a mother is something to be proud of...I think._

Honoka shook her head as a no.

"By the way, I'm also the vice president of the Student Council." Nozomi added a wink for a mischievous effect, wondering if it'll work on the gingerhead though the underlying meaning would be lost to the girl who did not remember how fearful the Student Council could be.

_Vice president of the Student Council?! I sure know a lot of big shots... I wonder if there are any other high ranking people here..._

Honoka glanced over to the seven girls standing around before looking at the purple haired girl again.

"Nozomi-chan..?" Honoka called with uncertainty.

"Yes?" Nozomi replied gently; not wanting to frighten the gingerhead with a bear hug she wanted to share.

"Um...Do I get in trouble a lot..? That's why I know the President and the Vice president of the Student Council..." Honoka stared at her hands shyly.

Nozomi's turquoise eyes widened in surprise by the question before some mirth returned in her eyes. Nozomi giggled which got the ginger's attention. "Oh, you were a lot of trouble~"

_I was a trouble maker? I don't have any memories of myself, but I somehow can't see myself as a bad kid..._

Honoka's eyes widened in horror before pouting.

"But never something huge that you had to visit the Student Council or the Principal's office~" Nozomi added after feeling some warmth returned in her heart from the cute display from the gingerhead she dearly missed.

"Eh..?" Honoka relaxed slightly though now she was unsure how much trouble she was.

Nozomi chuckled. "I'll leave you to Nicocchi now." The purplenette got off the bedside, took an extra look at the gingerhead before walking back to the group.

The girl of smaller stature compared to the previous two girls that spoke to Honoka walked over. The black haired, twin tailed girl had a long frown as she glared at Honoka.

_I guess she's still angry at me for not remembering..._

Honoka shifted on the bed, feeling bad for angering the girl with black hair and ruby red eyes that was sending her a stern glare.

_I think she said she was 'Nico'..?_

Honoka bit her lip before trying. "N-Nico-chan..?"

Nico frowned more, she didn't like how unsure Honoka sounded when calling her name, she also still blamed herself for breaking down earlier in front of the already hurt girl that did not need a crying senior.

"Yazawa Nico." Nico informed her full name as she made eye contact with the ginger.

"Yazawa Nico-chan..?" Honoka tried again.

Nico groaned. "I'm just letting you know my full name. You do call me by 'Nico-chan'."

"Oh. Okay..." Honoka lowered her gaze, feeling ashamed for getting the black haired girl's intentions wrongly.

_Nico-chan is kind of scary..._

Nico took a frustrated step closer the the gingerhead; she wanted to choose between the extremes such as running away or slapping some sense, or memories in this case back into the gingerhead, but had to control her emotions to not veer in those directions.

Nico chose the middle ground of not gripping Honoka's hands, not pulling the ginger into a tight hug, and not sugar coating her words.

"Do you have any questions? I'll do what I can to answer them." Nico nod her head to prompt Honoka who looked ready to hide back into her shell.

"Um..." Honoka shifted in her seat again.

"Any question." Nico reassured.

"Really?" Honoka asked like a child.

"Yes, really." Nico tried to relax her shoulders so as to not seem too intimidating.

Honoka nodded. "How tall are you?"

Nico's eye twitched but answered. "1.54m."

"How tall am I?"

Nico grunted. "1.57m. What about it?"

Honoka shook her head quickly. "How old are you?"

"18." Nico replied curtly.

"How old am I?"

"17."

"I'm younger than Nico-chan..." Honoka muttered to herself.

"Are you trying to mock me?" Nico glowered, Honoka shook her head rapidly.

"I'm not!"

"Then why are you asking these questions?" Nico gestures exasperatedly.

Honoka lowered her head. "I was curious..."

"You-"

"You looked small and cute, so... I thought I might be the older one instead..." Honoka explained her curiosity shyly.

Nico blushed at 'small and cute'; she didn't like small, but she certainly loved being complimented as cute, plus this was from Honoka.

"Also..." Honoka trailed off, unsure how to ask.

"Ask anything, remember?" Nico gave a lopsided smile for encouragement.

Honoka nodded. "If you're older...why am I calling you 'Nico-chan'..? Nozomi-chan and Eli-chan too..." Honoka looked over to the other two she assumed to be her seniors before looking at the senior beside her.

Nico stared at Honoka; caught in a moment of upset for being reminded that the gingerhead does not remember why they addressed each other like such.

"Because Eli" Nico gestured to the tall blond. "ordered that we have no senior-junior barrier between us. We are all equals. We are all a group of close...dumb friends..."

Nico trailed off as she thought about how they really were a close group of friends, as good as family; only because of Honoka who reached out to each of them. Yet now, their leader, the one who started it all had forgotten all about it.

"I see..." Was Honoka's short and clear response; she could see what they are supposed to be, but that was all. She still does not remember.

Nico's lips connected in a tight line as she turned away, not wanting to look at the empty gingerhead at the moment, else her heart might clench and those annoying tears may fall again; Nico really did not like to show weakness in front of everyone though they all can see through her facade.

A silent consensus passed through the eight girls as they turned for the door, but was stopped by a voice; a voice they was not expecting at the moment but desired it wholeheartedly at the same time.

"Maki-chan..."

The redhead whipped her entire body around to face Honoka who had called her. Maki's strong violets shimmered once from the wet that threatened to be released as she looked at Honoka; her heart hoping with her mind racing.

"Thank you..."

Maki's heart fell a little from those words, but she still held strong.

"Thank you for bringing me here...and...for being here I supposed..." Honoka lowered her head as she wasn't sure what she wanted to say anymore. She just wanted to voice her gratitude and also call the names of the friends who cared for her that she has yet to call.

Maki nodded slowly. "Y-You're welcome..." Maki turned back towards the door but before the group could start walking again.

"K-Kotori-chan...right?"

The ash-grey haired girl was facing her childhood friend on the hospital bed in less than a second, her golden orbs shaking with more tears that wanted to flow despite how puffy and red her eyes were already.

"Mmph!" Kotori answered as she gripped her skirt tightly, her fists balled together a handful of her skirt as she willed herself not to cry or run over to her best friend. The ash-grey could not stand another second of how her best friend looked at her now, so she turned away.

Honoka looked visibly dejected but shook her head lightly; it was to tell herself to be strong, but it also acted as a message to the other girls not to blame the ash-grey haired girl for acting how she did.

"Umi...chan..?" Honoka looked to the blue haired girl, a hint of fear in her eyes.

Umi felt a pain in her heart from those eyes; Honoka used to pretend to be afraid of her, now her childhood friend really was afraid of her.

Umi nodded like a broken robot; shakily and rigidly. "I am Umi."

Honoka returned a nod of her own and wondered what to say next, she would apologize but she remembered Umi's outburst earlier which she screamed about not wanting to hear Honoka apologize. "You two are...my-"

Honoka wasn't able to finish her question as a loud sob escaped the ash-grey haired girl who ran for the exit. "I'm sorry, Honoka-chan!"

Kotori could not stay, did not want to stay; as she did not want to hear her best friend being uncertain of their relationship, neither did she want to have to respond to the question.

Umi took in Honoka's pained expression before turning to her other childhood friend. "Kotori-"

The door closed leaving the eight other girls in the room with a heavy silence.

Umi turned back to the gingerhead. "Kotori is just emotionally unstable right now..."

Maki ushered everyone towards the exit when the gingerhead did not respond.

"I'm sorry... This is all my fault..." Honoka apologized in a feeble tone.

Umi heard and wanted to deny and tell Honoka not to try and blame herself for everything, but she was closer to the exit and was already part way out as Maki got everyone to leave Honoka to rest.

Outside, it was decided that Honoka will be on medication to recover from the blood clot and will be discharged after more mandatory check-ups.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow...You would not believe the number of times I kept falling into the fluff road before having to change to more sad and angst kind of writing.. Heh heh... ^V^' -sweatdrops-
> 
> Also...
> 
> I wrote this chapter with my phone because I no longer have a laptop... T.T I'm emo-ing from the lack of music and anime and anime pictures... Why are laptops so expensive..?
> 
> Anyways! How did you find this chapter~? :'D
> 
> This chapter was to cover Honoka's condition and how her family and friends interact with her from there... O^O -sniffles-
> 
> Leave me a comment, a review~ Let me know what y'all think! X'D
> 
> Until next time, See you~


	3. What Can We Do Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here you go. More sadness as we progress. :')

A few days passed, and Honoka is to be discharged this afternoon.

_Home...huh?_

Lazy blue eyes stared out the hospital window, nothing really processing in her eyes.

Two soft knocks on wood caught her attention, and she turned to see the middle aged Doctor Nishikino with long red hair, she also learnt was one of her friend, Maki's mother.

Doctor Nishikino held a gentle smile as Honoka has seen most of the times in her short stay in the hospital.

"Are you ready to go home, Honoka-san?"

_Am I ready?_

Honoka stared a little while longer before a small and wry smile appeared on the gingerhead.

"Isn't that something you know better than I do?"

Doctor Nishikino was caught off guard by the joke her patient just pulled, recovering after a second, she giggled. "Hm, perhaps."

Honoka dropped the smile as she stared at her empty hands, while Doctor Nishikino did a quick scan through of the papers she held.

"Nishikino-sensei...Can I ask you something?" Honoka broke the silence with an uncertain voice.

"Of course. I'll answer with the best of my capabilities." Doctor Nishikino looked away from the papers to give the young ginger her attention.

"What can I do...to not make my friends and family sad?" Shaky blue looked to clear violet.

"Take your medicine on time, smile...and just let nature take its course." Doctor Nishikino places a gentle hand on Honoka'a head. "If you're happy, I'm sure they'll be happy too."

Honoka lowers her gaze to stare at her hands again.

_How do I feel happy? I don't know what makes me happy..._

The room's door was pushed opened lightly before Doctor Nishikino could add anything else.

Doctor Nishikino exchanged smiles with the new visitor before she left for the door.

"I hope I'm not disturbing." A different set of gentle voice broke Honoka out of her depressing thoughts.

"E..Eli-chan." Honoka addressed when she took in her senior standing before her.

"You seem surprised to see me?" Eli made sure she was smiling to the gingerhead.

_I hope it's surprise and not fear..._

Honoka returned a small smile of hers. "I wasn't expecting anyone...Well..."

Eli raised an eyebrow while waiting for Honoka to continue.

"I thought it'll be Nico-chan since Nico-chan has been visiting really early with food..."

_Nico did tell us how Honoka is doing with morning "reports"._

"Ah...If you don't mind Grandma style porridge..?" Eli lifts the thermal can containing the porridge she cooked.

_I know Honoka isn't really sick...but only Obaa-sama's porridge came to mind for 'feeling better' this morning..._

"I...I'm pretty sure I don't mind..." Honoka had a thoughtful look, no memory of displeasure with porridge came to her.

Eli grins. "I think so too."

_Honoka seems to be able to eat almost anything from the time we've spent together._

Eli pours out some porridge into the bowl she brought along as she thought about how Honoka always clears her plate during their training camp, and had some snack every now and then.

Eli brings the bowl close to Honoka, took a scoop up and blew it before moving it closer to Honoka.

"Um...I can feed myself?" Honoka felt slightly embarrassed from her senior's kind gesture.

_I just naturally moved to feed Honoka..._

A light pink grew on Eli. "Nico doesn't do this?"

"Um...No..." Honoka shook her head.

"Well, here you go then. Be mindful of the heat." Eli warned as she handed the bowl of porridge over.

Honoka nodded again as she accepted her breakfast. Downing it in less than ten minutes.

"The porridge is really delicious, Eli-chan! Thanks!" Honoka thanked with a wide and satisfied smile.

_Such a beautiful smile... It's like nothing has changed..._

Eli chuckled at the sight, Honoka felt like Honoka when she smiles widely and gushed about food. "I'd gladly cook more for you next time."

Honoka seemed to disappear as she put on a shy yet distant smile. "It's okay...I wouldn't want to trouble you."

Eli's smile faded along with Honoka's change in attitude, but quickly tried to change the mood. "It's hardly any trouble. So don't worry about it."

_Was that a little too pushy? I wouldn't want to scare Honoka..._

Honoka looked up surprised at Eli's sudden determination. "Well...If you insist..."

Eli smiled. "I insist."

* * *

It was thankfully a weekend, though even if it wasn't, all of Muse would skip school to fetch Honoka out of the hospital.

"Honoka-chan, nya~!" An excitable Rin ran over while being loud in the hospital even though Umi was telling her to behave.

Honoka was out of the hospital bed and changed into a simple shirt and shorts when she turned to face the orange haired girl running at her; she took a step back afraid of being tackled.

Rin noticed and came to a sudden stop in front of the gingerhead, her smile ever-wide.

Honoka slowly returned a small smile. "Hi, Rin-chan..."

"Rin, I told you no running in the hospital." Umi scolded as she arrived with the rest of Muse, minus Eli since she was already with Honoka.

Hanayo smiled and waved to Honoka, only putting her hand down when the gingerhead made eye contact with her.

Kotori just stood behind everyone else; her eyes weren't as puffy as before, though she refused to look at her childhood friend for more than a few seconds when Honoka looked over.

Rin turned around with an indignant expression. "But I wanted to see Honoka-chan as fast as possible!"

"That's no excu-"

Umi was cut off as a hand was placed on her shoulder. "Maa, maa~ Umi-chan."

Umi faced the purplenette with an unsatisfied look. "Nozomi-"

Nozomi grinned. "You know you wanted to be reunited with Honoka as soon as possible too~"

" _Nozomi!_ " Umi hissed in a hushed voice while the purplenette just chuckled.

"I'm sure Honoka couldn't wait to see me instead!" Nico declared with a smug look.

Rin whined. "Eh~ Why would Honoka-chan want to see you?"

Nico's smirk was pulled higher. "Because~ I'm the universe's greatest-"

Nico wasn't able to finish her "skit" as Maki approached.

"Honoka, you don't have a fever or anything right?"

Honoka shook her head.

"Your family is waiting outside with my family's car."

Honoka nodded just before a shout came from behind.

"What?! Is Maki going to see Honoka home?" Nico demanded.

Maki sighed before turning around to stare at the twin tailed girl; the exchange of looks somehow conveyed the message of "Are you an idiot? I could, but I'm not doing that. _Because_ we already agreed to meet and discuss about Honoka after seeing her off."

Nico's expression flickered from guilty to upset as she huffed and crossed her arms.

"Your parents don't have a car, so I offered my car to send you back. Let's not keep them waiting?" Maki returned to asking Honoka.

Honoka gave Maki an appreciative smile and a nod. "Thank you..."

Maki nodded and led the way out.

* * *

Outside the hospital doors and into the warmth of the outdoors, Honoka could immediately see the difference in treatment she will be receiving because she has amnesia.

Honoka's parents were standing beside the car, hands fidgeting and faces filled with concern as they awaited their daughter. And her younger sister was already in the car, looking out for her, but quickly turned away when she was spotted.

_They look so worried..._

"Honoka...Here, you can sit beside Yukiho." Honoka's mum ushered her daughter towards the car by putting her arms around the gingerhead's shoulder which she could tell stiffened slightly from the contact.

_Ah, I missed my chance to greet them with a smile..._

Honoka's dad opened the car door and managed to make a brief eye contact with his daughter; uncertainty was still evident in those blue orbs of his eldest daughter, but he chose to remain strong as he gave a small nod and smile, hopefully allowing Honoka to not be so nervous around him.

_Dad... I'm sorry, I don't remember you and can't seem to find my voice..._

Entering the car, Honoka moved to sit beside her sister, though she subconsciously did not moved all way in.

_Yukiho...I should at least try to say hi..._

Honoka turned her head to face the young redhead. "Um..."

Honoka's mouth remained opened while Yukiho did not face her sister.

_Is saying hi so hard? Greeting someone shouldn't be so hard... And she's my sister... my sister..._

Honoka lowered her head and mumbled. "H...Hi...Yu..kiho..."

Yukiho sighed internally, knowing better than to give her older sister more negativity. "Onee-chan, put on your seatbelt."

_Right...Seatbelts... Yukiho seems so distant now... I guess it's my fault, and it's not like I know how close we are..._

Honoka nodded quickly as she fumbled with the belt. Once done, she looked to the left and noticed that Maki was giving instructions to the driver in front.

_Oh, Maki-chan... She seems so mature... like Nishikino-sensei..._

Maybe Honoka was staring for really long, or Maki just felt the pair of blue eyes on her, as the redhead turned to Honoka with a small smile.

"Get plenty of rest at home, okay?"

_I wonder if I am as mature... Rest?_

Honoka stared at Maki with no response.

"Honoka?" Maki's smile turned into a concerned frown.

_Honoka..? Right, it's me._

"Um...What?" Honoka blinked some focus back into her.

Maki's eyebrows were still furrowed with concern, but she managed another small smile. "Remember to rest well."

"Ah, o-okay..." Honoka gave a smile of her own.

Honoka looked out the car to see the rest of her friends looking at her; most with smiles and waves. Honoka returned a small wave as the car drove off.

Just as the black car came to a stop outside an apartment which had a sign "Homura" on the front, Honoka's dad got out the car after saying a quick thanks to the driver. The large man wasted no time in opening the door for the rest of his family, though Yukiho left from her side of the car without a word.

_Yukiho..? Does she not want to see me?_

Honoka's mum reached over to assist her daughter in exiting the car, while Honoka just allowed her parents to revolve around her, holding back the urge to shrink away when hands she weren't familiar with hold her.

_I can get off a car on my own...But I feel like if I say that, it'll make them upset..._

Honoka held back a growing pout as she kept an expressionless face; at least she hope she did.

Honoka's mum could see through her daughter though, with or without memories; she would be able to notice her daughter's slightly furrowed eyebrows and eyes trained to the ground. All this little things told Honoka's mum just how uncomfortable her daughter is feeling.

"This is our home, Honoka." Honoka's mum informed as she placed a gentle hand on her daughter's back.

_Home..._

Honoka stared at the building. The apartment.

 _What should I be feeling when I look at "home"? What do I usually feel or think about when I_ _**return** _ _home..?_

Honoka lowered her gaze from the two storey house and the distinct words of "Homura". Those three characters seemed to say something, call out to the gingerhead, but she did not know what exactly.

_..._

Honoka shook her head lightly, and as her eyebrows furrowed deeper along with her frown, her father cleared his throat and gestured for them to enter.

Honoka managed to see her parents' worry-stricken faces before they adorned neutral _trying to be positive_ expressions.

_Ah...I made them worry again..._

Honoka allowed herself into the foreign apartment; she could tell there was warmth trying to engulf her, but the lack of memories acted as an invisible force that pushed the warmth away.

The ginger haired girl looked from left to right, and top to bottom; she guessed she wouldn't be intruding on anyone's privacy since this was supposed to be her house too.

_I wonder what's mine and what isn't... Or do we share everything..? Or maybe...what did I do before? How did I sit on a couch..?_

Honoka felt her head hurt from a all the questions; they were mundane, almost irrelevant information to most, but that she could not reach an answer to these simple queries...she felt the throbbing at her head increasing.

"Honoka...would you like a drink? Something cold? Or hot?" Honoka's mum asked quietly beside her daughter.

Honoka shook her head, but decided she might as well find out where the kitchen is.

"Water...is fine..."

Honoka felt like her throat was really dry all of a sudden; was it because of not being able to find the right words for her earlier questions? Would it hurt her family if she asked? The new questions just made Honoka's head throb even more.

Yukiho has been watching her older sister and her reactions with them with a permanent frown; she didn't like how her older sister looked lost, afraid and in pain standing in _their home_.

"Um...Yukiho..?" Honoka broke the silence with an unsure voice.

Again, Yukiho held back a sigh or the urge to shout, Yukiho also made sure to not make eye contact with her older sister.

The reasons for Yukiho's reluctance to look or speak to Honoka are simple; she's worried, no, she knows that she'll break down in tears and loud sobs if she does. And she doesn't want to do that.

_Does Yukiho hate me now..? Or..?_

"Were we close?"

_No, that's wrong. I just wanted to ask where my room is. That question will hurt Yukiho._

Dimmer blue eyes that was mixed with fear and guilt met lighter blue that glistened with tears that threatened to flow.

"I-"

Yukiho spun in her feet, breaking the eye contact as fast as she could, effectively cutting Honoka off.

" _Yes_." Yukiho's voice cracked.

_I'm sorry..._

"Why won't you look at me?"

_No, no. That's not the right question..! Just ask for my room..._

Honoka's guilt-filled eyes searched for a response from her younger sister's shaking back despite telling herself she shouldn't.

" _I..-_ " Yukiho's voice broke a second time.

_Yukiho's crying... I made my little sister cry again..._

Honoka connected her dry lips in a tight line. "I'm sorry. You don't have to-"

"I CAN'T!" Yukiho shouted out of the blue, causing Honoka to flinch backwards. "I CAN'T WITHOUT CRYING AND MAKING YOU FEEL UPSET WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY FEELING UPSET! Afraid... Afraid of me... Afraid of us... your family..."

Yukiho dropped to the ground, her cries louder than before.

_I'm afraid, but..._

Honoka takes a step towards her sister. "Yukiho-"

" _DON'T!_ " Yukiho shouted; her voice barely making it out from her sobs. " _Don't..._ "

_Don't..? Yukiho-_

Yukiho pulls herself up and heads to her room. Honoka walks to follow wherever her sister was going.

" _Don't follow me!"_ Yukiho screamed as she haphazardly rubbed her tears with her arm and ran.

_Would I have listened to what others told me to do? No. That's not important now._

A quick thought passed Honoka before she started running, catching up to her sister in no time, grabbing onto the redhead's arm.

"Yukiho!"

" _Let go off me!_ " Yukiho struggled to break free, but her older sister's grip was stronger.

"I won't. Yukiho! I want you to treat me like how you usually would!"

_Else how am I supposed to know who you are and who I am?_

" _I can't!_ " Yukiho tried to take a weak step away from the older sister she loves so much.

"You will!" Honoka pulled her younger sister towards her, turning the redhead around so that they can look at each other. "I need you to..."

Even with the tears blurring Yukiho's vision, she could see her older sister; blue eyes on the verge of crying, but filled with determination she used to see. Yet, it also held that vulnerability that existed in her older sister ever since she lost her memories.

Honoka needs her. Her older sister needs her.

Yukiho dropped to her knees in tears a second time since returning home from the hospital, but this time she wasn't alone as Honoka kneeled beside her younger sister, pulling her into a comforting hug.

" _Onee-chan...!_ " Yukiho cries into her sister's shoulder; still available despite the situation.

"I'm here...I'm here..." Honoka repeats in a soft voice as she puts a hand on her little sister's back.

_I hope I'm not hurting Yukiho any more than I already have... Does this make Yukiho feel better?_

"Onee-chan..." Yukiho's voice wasn't as shaky as before.

"Yeah..?" Honoka asked.

"Tell me you're not sad because of me...Because I cried in front of you..." Yukiho gripped her older's sister shirt tighter.

_Should I..? I don't think I want to lie though..._

"I am..." Honoka felt Yukiho flinch. "Even if I don't remember...I don't like it that I'm making my sister cry..."

Yukiho laughed, which confused Honoka.

"Why are you laughing?"

Yukiho moved away from her older sister though she liked the closeness. "Because...You're Onee-chan."

Honoka's eyebrows remained furrowed.

"It's just like Onee-chan to not tell me what I want to hear. To be so stubborn and forceful."

Yukiho smiled a lopsided smile; she was still sad that her older sister does not remember her, but that her older sister still had parts like before. It filled her with so much hope, she can't explain.

Honoka relaxed her leg muscles as she sat backwards onto the floor. "So...I'm stubborn and forceful?"

Yukiho smiled; it felt weird, to smile so genuinely and not a forced one, as this smile seemed gone for good when the ginger haired girl in front of her showed no signs of memories for her.

"Yeah. You are."

_I sound unreasonable..._

"But you still love me?" Honoka's confused look made Yukiho chuckle.

"A younger sister always loves her older sister regardless."

Honoka finds herself smiling too.

_Regardless, huh..._

"A parent too."

Honoka turns her head when a hand squeezed her shoulder gently from behind her, and she sees her mum wiping a tear away.

"Mum..." Honoka spoke, and her mum nodded; answering the unspoken question that she witnessed the sisters' heartfelt clash.

"I'll take photo albums out for Onee-chan to see. Maybe that can help." Yukiho got to her feet to fetch objects that held memories.

Honoka's mum helped her eldest daughter off the floor. "Are you okay with that?"

_Am I okay with looking at pictures..? I supposed. I hope it'll help too. Getting back my memories means that you'll be happy after all._

Honoka put on a reassuring smile as she placed a hand over her mum's hand that was supporting her. "Mmph."

Honoka's mum's eyes twinkled with relief, joy and age as she guided her daughter to the living room, where Honoka's dad will soon join his wife and daughters in a slow and careful time of finding memories.

* * *

After seeing the sleek black car send Honoka and her family home, Kotori breathes out softly, praying for Honoka to adjust to home, and hoping her childhood friend would just remember everything. She then takes in a deep breath as she readied herself for what's to come.

_Honoka-chan..._

"Let's go."

Eli led her friends to the open air cafe which had a table large enough for eight, where they will discuss what they can do to help Honoka regain her lost memories.

Once each of their drinks was served, Eli looked over to Umi and Kotori, waiting for them to say something. Since the two are Honoka's childhood friends, having spent more time and made more memories together, she figured perhaps they would have more ideas or chances to get their leader's memories back.

_What are we supposed to do?_

Umi made eye contact with Eli, understanding the silent consideration, before glancing over to her childhood friend that was present, at least physically.

_What do you think we can do, Umi-chan?_

Kotori sits in silence, her lips set in a line; her usual smile seemingly lost along with Honoka's memories. And it wouldn't be out of place to think so.

_I don't even want to accept that Honoka-chan doesn't remember me..._

Umi sighs; the rest of Muse focused their attention on the blue haired lyricist.

_I'm sorry for not saying anything Umi-chan... But I think you understand why... Just opening my mouth to breathe makes me want to cry..._

"For starters, I think we should let Honoka's family spend time with her before we visit Honoka."

_Family... I wonder how Honoka-chan is coping... I don't have a father around... But for Honoka-chan now... she has three strangers claiming to be her family... Is it scary? Or is it nice?_

Umi paused to push back her selfish thoughts of wanting to look for Honoka right away, she knows that Honoka's family would allow them to, but it wouldn't be fair to not let them have time with Honoka first.

"So that they can try to help Honoka get accustomed to her...new life. And...maybe retrieve some memories with her family."

_New life..._

Kotori shook her head internally.

_I hope Honoka-chan can regain some memories with her family too..._

Umi frowned at her use of words. "New life", was there a better way to put it? Umi wasn't sure.

The others were sitting quietly, agreeing and accepting Umi's suggestion when Nico slams her hands on the table to get everyone's attention which garnered some displeased frowns too at the sudden loudness.

_Nico-chan..?_

Ignoring the frowns to put a more energetic take in their discussion for something depressing, "Nico will make Honoka remember idols! The beauty, the charm, the loveliness of idols."

_Idols... Muse...is not Muse without Honoka-chan..._

"Nico will..." The twin tailed girl trailed off when she thought about how Honoka has forgotten about being an idol, about being an idol with them. "Nico will make Honoka remember us as school idols! Remember that she is a school idol, along side us as Muse!"

Nico ended her declaration with a confident smile; the best one she could put forth in the situation, hiding any hint of sadness or doubt in her.

Not putting a stop to energy and positivity, Rin jumped to her feet. "Rin will help Honoka-chan get back her fun, nya!"

"You say it like Honoka doesn't know how to have fun anymore." Maki voices, slightly displeased at Rin for assuming things, though she knows inside why Rin would think that.

"But...Honoka-chan isn't smiling as much as she would before... And... Honoka-chan seems to be afraid of something... And it makes Rin feel sad..."

Rin lowers her head as she has a small, upset frown, and yellow eyes starting to water.

_Rin-chan... I dislike seeing Honoka-chan afraid too..._

Kotori swallowed a sip of juice that was tasteless to her.

"Then, I'll try to help Honoka-chan overcome her fear."

Nozomi offers a gentle grin, though the worry and exhaustion was evident in her eyes as well as the tinge of heaviness in her tone; the teasing, carefree tone unable to surface fully.

_Help Honoka-chan not be afraid of...us..._

"They say I'm quite capable of calming others after all." Nozomi commanded her face muscle to grin wider.

"Who ever said that?" Nico remarked with pursed lips; trying to keep some "casual" atmosphere.

However, the fellow third year wasn't able to keep the ball rolling as her grin didn't grow wider, neither did a witty comeback form.

Maki sighed softly at the sight of Nico trying to be annoying and Nozomi not being annoying.

"Well, I'll ensure she's healthy. Mentally and physically. I'll do what I can."

Maki informed everyone of her plans; whether medicinal or just to keep the gingerhead away from thoughts like giving up or the like. After all, Honoka seems to have lost her memories because of physical damage, and it's important to have a healthy mind for any possibility of regaining those memories.

_Is it medicines that will get Honoka-chan's memories back..? No... Nishikino-sensei mentioned that the medicines is to recover from the blood clot... not get back memories..._

"I-I can help with food? H-healthy food...or just delicious food is important to being healthy, right..?"

Hanayo tried to speak up, though it came out at a barely audible volume which the girls had to strain their ears to listen. Kotori didn't even bother; busy with her thoughts.

"Food is a good choice, Hanayo." Eli compliments. "I guess I'll see what I can do to help her in her studies."

Sky blue eyes observed the mostly solemn and uncertain expressions on everyone's faces.

"Umi and Kotori will be the main focus first to help Honoka regain her memories. Is that okay with everyone?"

Eli asked, trying to wrap up their discussion without seeming too imposing.

_..._

Kotori's brain could not even think of anything. Bring back Honoka's memories. Her? How?

Nods and soft "Okay"s passed around the table.

Eli looked to the two childhood friends of the absent gingerhead for a moment.

"The two of you can discuss further amongst yourself if you like." Eli understood just how sensitive the memories they hold with Honoka could be. The dance instructor wore a small smile. "The rest of us have some role or another for the time being too."

Umi responded with a distant smile, the responsibility on her shoulders seemingly visible for a second. "We will. We leave the rest to you all too."

_We?_

Umi turns to her childhood friend. "Kotori?"

Kotori frowned.

_Don't ask me..._

"Do you want to talk about this at my house or yours?" Umi asked.

_I don't want to talk about this..._

"Kotori?" Umi called to her unresponsive friend. "I know this is hard on you."

_No, you don't..._

"It's hard on everyone, but we've got to accept this and-"

"I don't want to!" Kotori didn't mean to shout. Kotori didn't mean to be so uncooperative. But her actions said otherwise. "I don't want to accept that Honoka-chan had forgotten everything!"

Kotori barely registered what she has done and the shocked expressions of all her friends, Umi included, when she took off running yet again.

_Can't this all just be a very, very bad dream?_

Kotori felt the tears falling all over the place messily as she ran blindly away from her friends. Away from facing reality.

_Honoka-chan..!_

Kotori screamed the name of the girl she wanted to see and did not want to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm. So, how was this chapter? Honoka's family and friends and Honoka herself are all struggling with handling the situation. It's all so delicate, but how much careful threading should they go about with?
> 
> :'3 Leave me comments, reviews~ your opinions and thoughts! *o*
> 
> See you next chapter!


	4. Lie to me (Don't lie to me)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been forever. OaO Since June?! OxO I'm really sorry for such a slow and late update! Please forgive me~ OvO``
> 
> Here's a serving of sadness, grief and pain.

"Say it like  _we_  want to accept this." Nico spat out the words with anger, frustration she hated.

"Nico." Eli scolded half-heartedly; she understood where Nico was coming from. They all felt the same way or at least similarly to Kotori, but they can't all run from the situation, can they?

_No, no one wants to accept this._

"Nobody wants to be forgotten by Honoka! Nobody wanted Honoka to forget all of her life!" Nico continued, banging her hands on the table angrily with each statement.

_Who would even? "Why did this have to happen to Honoka", I question every night ever since it happened. I would rather it be me._

Rin sniffles loudly, doing her best to not cry in front of everyone, while Hanayo wrings her hands together tightly, also fighting the incoming waves of tears as the reality of her dear friend losing her memories crashed over her unforgivingly.

_Rin… Hanayo… I don't like seeing the two of you so hurt and broken. Even if it's for Honoka… Kotori shouldn't worry them like this…_

Maki frowns deeply, not enjoying the aftermath the ash-brunette who ran off minutes ago left them with. "Nico-"

_No, I should be handling this better…_

"I'm sorry." Umi unknowingly interrupts the redhead who wanted to stop Nico's understandable but still undesired loud rants.

"It's not Umi-chan's fault. It's no one's fault." Nozomi speaks up, her voice still solemn as she failed to keep eye contact with the bluenette; as the both of them felt their eyes beginning to be overly moist, the tears just threatening to pour if they didn't consciously will it back.

_If it's not my fault or anyone's fault, then who are we to blame for this unfortunate fate that Honoka is facing? We are facing. Is this meant to be? I too don't want to accept this… No. I shouldn't fall into negativity. Honoka wouldn't want me to._

"I'm going to look for Kotori." Umi takes a step away from the table.

"She probably needs more time alone." Maki points out.

_She's had a lot of time alone when Honoka was hospitalized._

Not holding back a long sigh, Umi drags an exhausted gaze to the redhead more knowledgeable about this sort of psychological and physical health symptoms. "She needs Honoka. And running away from reality isn't going to get her any."

"Not like we got much Honoka." Nico's thoughts slipped out of her mind and onto her straightforward tongue. The third-year groans at her mistake. "I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine." Umi sighs again. "All will be fine." Umi says it like a loud prayer and reassurance for herself as she leaves the table to find the childhood friend that she hopes to be able to work with in getting their dearest friend's memories back… _together_.

_Not yet. But we will do whatever we can to help Honoka regain her memories. I swear it upon the Sonoda name and my entire life._

* * *

_Honoka-chan! Honoka-chan! Honoka-chan! Honoka-chan..!_

Drowning out any and all other thoughts with only the name and images and  _memories_  of the ash-brunette's best friend; Kotori ran and ran and ran. Not knowing where she wanted to go or where her feet will take her to as the endless stream of tears seems to be determined to obscure her vision, not that she was trying to watch where she was going.

_Honoka-chan… What am I supposed to do?_

When Kotori blinked multiple times and took notice of her surroundings and the fact that her breathing has stabilized more or less, the designer found herself outside the home of the girl she still wasn't sure that she was ready to meet.

_If it was the past…Honoka-chan would look over…with a bright smile…and ask me to play with her…_

The window opening and the very person Kotori was thinking of appeared in the ash-brunette's view. Kotori panicked and dashed her hands across her face hurriedly, worried that she might still be crying, and the sight of her crying would just be a hindrance to the already suffering gingerhead with the lost memories. However, Kotori was only met with a cold, barely damp surface since her tears have long dried into messy streaks of dried up tears.

_I probably still look like a mess…_

Contradicting her thoughts and desire not to look at Honoka, she raised her head to look. Even though the ash-brunette didn't want to hope, she wished that Honoka would look back at her as she imagined earlier.

But fate was never that kind; Kotori's best friend mustered a small, hesitant smile and gave a small wave. Kotori clenched a fistful of her skirt as her heart squeezed uncomfortably from Honoka's distant reaction.

_Honoka-chan…Why are you afraid of me? Why can't you remember me?_

Kotori hates herself for being such a huge coward. She was when she was leaving Japan, and she still is as she took off running again.

_I'm sorry, Honoka-chan! I just don't like any of this! I don't want you to forget me!_

* * *

The door closes with a soft thud and Honoka releases a long breath she was holding after excusing herself from her supposed family. It was a relatively long time spent looking at collected memories over the years, memories she had no recollection of, and it was starting to hurt as she repeated replied "No, I don't remember…" to the people who obviously was hoping for a positive answer with each picture.

"I bet they are so disappointed…" Honoka grabbed a fistful of her hair, ignoring the slight pain from the rough tug. "Ugh! Why can't I remember?!"

The gingerhead pants from the outburst and absentmindedly took in the room that belonged to her but had no memory of. Honoka frowns.

_I don't want to sadden anyone anymore…_

Honoka trudged across her room slowly, taking in the smell of the room, taking note of what was in her room.

_I read manga, huh? I wonder which was my favourite story or chapter. I wonder who would know…_

Honoka sighs again before shaking her head.

_I got to keep trying!_

Honoka attempts to bring her spirits up as she glanced over to the next part of her room, though something else caught her eye – yet another picture frame. Wary blue eyes scanned the worn wooden frame and fingers brushed over the contents of the picture – nine girls standing together all smiles.

_My friends… My childhood friends… Sonoda…Umi… and… Minami…Kotori…_

Honoka pressed her dried lips in a line as her eyebrows furrowed in a subconscious attempt to remember something, anything at all.

"Sonoda Umi… Minami Kotori… Ugh…" Honoka's back was hunched over as her free hand gripped her head, a grimace growing as the pain nagged at her brain. "Ugh… Who are they? Why can't I remember anything…?"

_They appeared a lot in the photo albums… Mum says we are really close friends… Yukiho says that I probably used up all my luck just having them as friends…_

Honoka winced but pushed on as she focused her shaky vision on the blue haired girl in the picture.

_Sonoda Umi is strict on me but is really kind…_

Honoka shakes her head when the pain heightened while no memory returned before focusing on the ash-brunette in the picture.

_Minami Kotori is lenient with me and pampers me with snacks…_

Honoka drops the picture frame and slumps her body against the bookshelf for support, both hands on her aching head.

"This isn't working…" The worn out gingerhead mumbles as she stumbles her way to the bed.

_Maybe some fresh air…_

Honoka steadies her breathing, willing the headache to subside before she opens the window. Tired eyes widened in surprise to see the childhood friend she was trying to recall memories of moments ago below.

_Kotori…chan… Looks like she's been crying…_

Honoka didn't know why, perhaps it was because they are actually close friends, but Honoka did not like seeing the ash-brunette sad.

_Ah, I should show that I'm okay and say hi…_

Honoka commanded her face muscles to pull into a smile, it came out small, but the gingerhead was doing her best. And she raised a hand to wave since her voice failed her.

_Kotori-chan…_

Kotori did not return the greeting and Honoka could not help but notice the skies at the moment was overcast with dark, gloomy clouds as though reflecting her memories hopelessness and the uncertain relationship between the girl outside the house and her.

_I might prefer it sunny…_

Honoka opened her mouth thinking of saying something, pretty much anything could be better than nothing. However, the ash-brunette took off running before Honoka could say anything. And at that exact moment, the rain decided to fall.

"I…" Honoka watched the messily running figure outside as her hands gripped the windowsill tightly.

_I don't know what Honoka would have done. But I don't think I want to let my friend run in the rain!_

Honoka ran out her room, scanned the house for an umbrella which thankfully was near the exit, grabbed one and ran out with a rushed, "I'll be back soon!"

_Kotori-chan! If you don't talk to me, I won't know who I am or who you are! Or more importantly…who I am with you!_

Honoka surprises herself as she caught up with the ash-brunette who had a head start.

_I must be quite fit._

"Kotori-chan!"

" _Don't come near me!_ " Kotori screams and kept running.

Honoka frowns as the rain got heavier and drenched the two further.

"You'll catch a cold!" Honoka reasons, though her true reason of chasing after the ash-brunette was because she was sick of seeing someone who seems to care for her so much keep running away from her and wear such a grief expression.

" _Let go of me!_ " Kotori struggles futilely as she did it half-heartedly against her best friend's grip on her wrist; the hold felt too familiar to the time at the airport.

"I won't! I…" Honoka wavers slightly before raising the umbrella – the excuse. "You should take an umbrella home-"

Kotori hits the umbrella out of Honoka's hands without thinking. "I don't want an umbrella from you!"

Shocked blue eyes watched the umbrella fall to the wet floor and continued to be wet by the pouring rain.

_What am I doing? I'm supposed to make Kotori-chan feel better. Make my family and friends feel reassured._

"I'm sorry…" Kotori apologized and hiccupped loudly.

Honoka only then noticed that the ash-brunette was crying.

_I made her cry…_

"No…I'm sorry…" Honoka hurried to pick up the mess she assumes she was the one who created.

Kotori wrenches her hand away from Honoka despite the desire to be close to her best friend again, she turns away. "Don't look at me… _Don't_ …" Kotori's voice broke as she tried to stop the sobs from escaping her, she doesn't want Honoka seeing her in such a state – unstable, unfriendly, uncooperative.

_I should give Kotori-chan what she wants._

"But I won't know who you are if you don't let me see you." Honoka clenched her fist together when she sees the ash-brunette flinch.

_What am I doing?! Stop!_

"I won't know who you are if you don't talk to me." Honoka dug her nails into the palm of her hand when she sees the ash-brunette shudder or perhaps shivers; was it from the cold of the rain or the cold of her words?

_I'm hurting Kotori-chan further with these words. I need to stop._

"I'm sorry. I want to make you feel better. Not-" Honoka reached over for the ash-brunette but Kotori spins around and takes a stumbling step away.

"Honoka-chan won't do that!" Kotori was being unreasonable, she knows it, but the words still tumble out of her despite her mind screaming not to.

_Your Honoka…_

Honoka gnashed her teeth together and glances to the abandoned umbrella on the ground, wet and unable to carry out its task of keeping its owner dry. "I don't know what Honoka would have done, but I figured I wouldn't want my friend caught in the rain."

_Perhaps I was wrong. I don't know how to bring smiles to everyone like how Honoka seemed really capable of._

"Honoka-chan would invite me to her house." Kotori doesn't even know what she was saying anymore. What was the point of saying something that only further pained her and possibly pained her best friend too?

"Then do you want to come over?" Honoka didn't need to think about wanting to do what her with memories would have done, as long as it could bring happiness to someone else.

"No." As contradictive as the ash-brunette has been with her heart, mind and body ever since the news of Honoka not remembering her sunk in her, Kotori bit her lips and clenched her hands just as her heart did.

_Then what do you want so that I can make you happy?!_

Honoka was getting a little irritated at the fact that she can't please her supposed childhood friend, and have long disregarded the idea of knowing more of herself in this situation – she just wants Kotori to feel better.

"Then tell me what to do to make you happy!" Honoka shouts despite wanting to be nice.

"Say you remember me!" Kotori blinked and pressed her eyelids hard together for the tears to fall. She was so sick of crying but she can't stop all the annoying tears from coming out. She hates how much of a cry-baby she is, but she can't seem to be stronger for herself, for Honoka.

_Say I remember Kotori-chan…_

Honoka blinks multiple times, blinking away the rain and eyes widened. Time seemed to slow for the moment as the gingerhead takes in Kotori's dishevelled hair all sticking to skin, puffy, red eyes that had tears wet Kotori's cheeks even more than what the rain was doing, hands gripping at the wet and wrinkled up skirt and the irregular shaking of the ash-brunette's body – Kotori was crying  _hard_.

_I'm so pathetic. Making my friend cry this much, be so sad because I can't remember her._

"I remember you, Kotori-chan." Honoka says the words most desired by Kotori.

But those empty words can't deceive Kotori even if she wanted to be deceived, Kotori could see it in Honoka's hurt expression – Honoka doesn't like lying. Kotori too and Kotori hates that she made Honoka do it for her.

"No!" Kotori hits her best friend on the chest. "You don't!" Kotori pushes Honoka onto the wet ground, holding onto the gingerhead's drenched shirt as she did not retaliate or moved away.

_Kotori-chan needs Honoka._

"Kotori-chan is my childhood friend." Honoka continues from the cold, wet floor she had her hands supporting her so she isn't fully splayed on the ground.

"You don't remember that!" Kotori hits against her best friend's chest as she cries.

_Just believe my words, Kotori-chan…_

"I want to eat the sweets you bake, Kotori-chan." Honoka says a line fitting of the photo memory she saw earlier.

"You don't mean that..! Honoka-chan..!" Kotori hits Honoka's chest, drops her face against Honoka's chest and sobs loudly, her hands gripping desperately to the physical body of her best friend.

_I…do. I want you happy, so I mean what I say._

"Kotori-chan…let's have a sleepover soon." Honoka picks another shared experience with her childhood friends told her earlier.

"Stop…Honoka-chan, stop..! I don't want you to lie anymore!" Kotori only sobbed harder with each lie her best friend said to her – the kinder and sweeter the words, the more Kotori desired those words to be what Honoka truly meant, the more it hurt Kotori to hear.

Honoka didn't know when, perhaps from the beginning, but she was finding it hard to see or think of anything as Kotori's cries and her own tears fogged up her vision. Honoka places a hand on the shaking uncontrollably ash-brunette's back in a form of comfort.

_I won't say it if you don't want it… But… Aren't you still feeling sad, Kotori-chan? Can you wait for me to get my memories back?_

They both cried under the rain – Kotori sobbing loudly, her whole body shaking against Honoka's as Honoka still tried to stay strong and not cry aloud; that simply turned out with teeth grinding hard against each other, harsh breathing and an endless flow of tears, the childhood friends matching in sorrow.

"C-Can you lead me to your house? I'll bring you back home…" Honoka asks between sniffles but was only met with crying. Kotori was shaking so badly, hyperventilating at this point, Honoka was starting to get worried, wondering what she should do.

_Kotori-chan is going to fall ill at this rate…Should I bring her back to my house?_

An umbrella covered the two where their heads were; Honoka looks up and through her wet and blurry vision she sees her other childhood friend crying silent tears that wiped it away with swift fingers. "Bring her to my house."

Honoka blinked, not processing the instruction.

_Umi-chan..?_

"My house is big enough and is closer from here." Umi bends over to help Kotori off Honoka but is stopped.

"I-I can do it." Honoka felt responsible for how broken the ash-brunette in her hold is; she did say hurtful words over and over again to the girl, and wasn't able to give her friend a single sense of comfort – at least that's what Honoka thinks.

Kotori shook in her best friend's clumsy attempt at holding the both of them upright. Kotori wants to stand on her own, but her limbs weren't cooperating again – legs shook unsteadily and hands gripped Honoka tightly, as though letting go would equate to an end to everything; leading to Kotori feeling like a void.

_This is all my fault…_

Honoka strengthens her hold and steps in tandem with the patient bluenette.

"Don't blame yourself, Honoka." Over the soggy footsteps and pouring rain, Umi's voice was crystal clear; Honoka could not help but turn to face the bluenette wide-eyed, surprised that the bluenette seemed to have read her mind.

_But I'm to blame…_

"Y-You should cover yourself with the umbrella… We are already wet…" Honoka responds lamely and moving the ash-brunette and herself half a step from Umi.

"Do you think I will do that?" Umi asks, firm almond eyes looking directly at Honoka's moist, wavering blue eyes.

_Umi-chan is kind…_

Honoka lowers her head and steps closer to her friend so that the umbrella can be shared better, a small smile curves on the gingerhead's lips when she noticed the umbrella she brought out for Kotori in the bluenette's other hand.

_Umi-chan is really kind…I wish I can be as cool as her..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> …
> 
> I'm supposed to end this chapter on a sadder note right? But well, it's not like it's all clear skies and rainbows right now. Kotori is still broken and crying, Honoka is still lost, and Umi is holding back.
> 
> It seriously takes a much longer time to write this story, but I'm still going to do it! O`a`O
> 
> Let me know what y'all think about this chapter. :') I didn't think it'll expand so much for Kotori's feelings of grief and I would be able to write more on the rest of Muse. But…Apparently this is just the tip of the iceberg! Somewhat. OvO Everyone's feelings are so brittle, tender and precious, I worry for them so much… T.T
> 
> So. :') Leave me comments, reviews, opinions and thoughts! :D
> 
> And I'll see you next chapter! (Definitely not 5 months long! O`,`O)


	5. Three Childhood Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back! :)
> 
> Here’s a platter of not too much pain.

The hot water covering Honoka up to her chest was a nice change in temperature than the shivering cold she felt minutes ago; drenched in freezing rain while the wind still continues blowing mercilessly was not a pleasant experience.

At least now she felt slightly warmer and have calmed down from her earlier ugly mess; crying, shaking uncontrollably and being as good as helpless for the girl sitting opposite of her right now in the bathtub, her childhood friend she wishes she remembers.

Honoka lowers her head though her gaze doesn’t peel away from the listless ash-brunette in front of her.

_Kotori…chan… Is she okay..?_

Blue eyes filled with sadness and self-doubt continued to study the thin and exhausted frame of Minami Kotori, the owner wondering why she can’t seem to do anything right.

_Why can’t I just remember her? Remember my family. And my friends…  And everything… Then no one will be sad anymore…_

The sound of water moving made the self-criticizing gingerhead break away from her spiralling in pessimistic thoughts and she raises her head to see the ash-brunette scooping and pouring water over her slightly red shoulders.

_Kotori-chan must be feeling cold…_

The gingerhead dips her shoulders into the hot water to warm her sure to be red from cold shoulders, the warmth that engulfed her made her lips pull upwards a bit.

_Warm… This…Ugh-_

The calming sensation of warmth was soon cut off by a splitting headache that attacked Honoka from the back of her head and she winces, gnashing her teeth together to stop from groaning out loud her pain.

_Argh… W-Why..? What..? Uughh…_

Honoka’s hands were holding her throbbing head, hard and shaking, wanting to override the pain that was shooting through her whole head, as though her brain wanted to explode or tell her something…but she just can’t get a clear grasp of information of anything.

_Steam..? Arrrggg…_

Broken, blurred, unclear images of a scene of just one of the many lost memories were attempting to resurface in Honoka’s mind, but all she could make out was steam and…

_Smiles..? –_

**_“Ahhhh!”_** Honoka lets out a loud shout and her sudden jerking of the water makes Kotori’s eyes widen in shock and worry.

“Honoka-chan?!”

Honoka couldn’t hear her. The pain in her head just made her want to-

_Stop! Stop! Stop! Why won’t this pain go away!?_

**_“Arghhh!”_ **

_Who are you? Who are they? Why can’t I remember? I want to remember. But it’s so painful…_

Two other girls, one with long hair, one with short, slightly above shoulders hair, they were smiling, Honoka probably is too. But all she could make out were distorted silhouettes and all that steam…Were they in a hot spring? And-

Tears were rolling down Honoka’s eyes already, and she refused to let go of her head even as her panicking childhood friend was trying to pry those hands away from the ginger’s head.

“Honoka-chan! Stop! Stop hurting yourself. I-It’s okay if you don’t remember-”

 ** _“Argh!”_** Honoka lunges herself at the wall all of a sudden but thankfully Kotori managed to put a hand in between the wall and her best friend’s head before impact.

Kotori gasps at the strength of Honoka’s thrust, but the short-term pain on her palm was nothing compared to the ache in her chest at the sight of her best friend crying, in pain, and she can’t seem to do anything to help. Kotori moves to pull her best friend in a protective hug, holding firmly so that the gingerhead can’t attempt to harm herself again.

“Don’t… Don’t hurt yourself…”

“Who..? Why can’t I remember..?” The gingerhead murmurs.

Honoka shook in Kotori’s hold; she wasn’t registering all that was happening outside of the incomplete scenes in her head and the pain moving from her head to the tip of her fingers and toes. She wants to at least remember something, but she couldn’t tell who she was bathing happily with even though it seemed so close…but still out of grasp.

Hurried footsteps and the door opening haphazardly reveals the bluenette, eyes wide in worry, panting from uneven breathing. “K-Kotori. What happened?”

Kotori shakes her head while Umi took long and hurried strides in to kneel beside her two childhood friends, taking in the scene, her chest tightened at the sight of Honoka – fragile to touch, with dried and fresh tears coming out of the gingerhead’s puffy eyes.

“I…I think she was trying to remember something…” The ash-brunette managed to say despite how parched her throat is, and she wishes she could be saying something of good news instead of a hopeless truth.

“…” Umi frowns as she runs a hand down the gingerhead’s wet hair, slowly and gently, wanting to make sure that her best friend has calmed down. “Let’s get her out of the water.”

Kotori nods weakly, allowing the bluenette to help Honoka up instead before she gets up too. 

 

* * *

 

 

The amnesiac gingerhead has Umi’s blanket wrapped around her, covering her head and face from her supposed childhood friends. After she finally calmed down, stopped hyperventilating and holding onto the gripping pain while reaching for a memory that refused to fully show itself, Honoka realized she was being difficult for the people around her…for the people who cared for her.

So Honoka was now embarrassed and kicking herself for not being able to do what she can to let her friends smile as she wanted to; this feeling that was in her since she woke up and couldn’t remember anything. This feeling she believes is the one thing that makes her feel like her, even though she isn’t sure who Kousaka Honoka really is.

_… Umi-chan… And Kotori-chan… They looked so worried… And sad… and…afraid maybe? Ah…It’s all my fault…_

The gingerhead hugs the blanket tightly around her, while her arms hugged herself tightly too, she didn’t want to show her _not okay_ and possibly flushed red in embarrassment face to the two girls in the room right now, they’ll probably worry more.

“Honoka…” A voice filled with worry asks for the gingerhead’s attention for the fifth time now.

_Umi-chan…_

“Are you feeling cold? Do you want to put on socks?” Umi throws out speculations and suggestions for her hiding childhood friend to consider, but Honoka just pulls the blanket closer to her and makes an undecipherable sound which makes Umi frown in concern on the outside.

_I’m not cold…I…I don’t want any of you to see me right now…_

“Isn’t it because Honoka-chan is afraid of us?” A soft voice filled with nothing but sadness questioned.

“ _Kotori_.” Umi chided albeit a soft tone too; it’s not like the thought didn’t cross the bluenette’s mind, as much as she rather not believe it.

“I’m sorry…” Kotori apologizes for yet again sounding her insecurities. She knows she should be more positive – for Honoka, for her friends, for herself.

_Afraid..? Am I afraid of them? No, I…_

“I’m not afraid of you!” Honoka bursts out of her blanket cocoon, at least her pouting head did, so as to sound her stand in the short conversation between her two supposed childhood friends.

_I just don’t know how I should behave around all of you…_

A pause of silence got the gingerhead worried she stepped out of line and have angered or scared her two friends, but was soon proved wrong when Umi and Kotori began shaking with a smile, soft chuckles vibrating out of them as they were holding themselves back. And broke into a full-blown laughing fit when Honoka pouted harder and tilted her head to the side confused and upset at their reaction she doesn’t quite understand.

“W-Why are you laughing?”

_Did I say something wrong? Did I say something funny? Ehh?_

Honoka’s shaky, on the verge of crying tone made the usually rigid archer arc her back and put a hand over her mouth to not laugh _too_ loudly, while the recently downcast and full of negativity ash-brunette look right at her best friend, eyes not shying away as she gave a lopsided smile to the gingerhead.

“Honoka-chan is just too cute.” Kotori commented as she slowed to a stop from her unexpected laughing fit.

“You look like a sulking tomato…” Umi wipes a tear at the corner of her eye that formed from all the laughing, shaking her head teasingly at Honoka who looked affronted.

“T-Tomato..?” Honoka’s eyes widened in shock from what she just heard and the embarrassment crashed into her like a tidal wave. That was enough to make her curl back into Umi’s blanket also known as the Honoka Cocoon now so that she can hide her _tomato_ red face from the outside world.

_Tomato…They called me a tomato…_

“Honoka!” Umi didn’t hold back from tugging at the blanket this time – intent to remove it from the surprisingly shy gingerhead, though Honoka held on strong. “You don’t have to be…so embarrassed?”

_Is this supposed to be a good thing?_

Honoka pouted from within the space of the blanket; which wasn’t much as she held it tight, fabric to skin.

Umi looked to Kotori for assistance so the costume designer stepped closer too. “Mmph, Honoka-chan is cute when you’re shy and blushing like that.”

_Cute… She just said I’m cute. I’m not…_

Honoka curls further into herself, resisting her childhood friend’s attempt to get her out of the covers.

“Kotori. That did not help.” Umi chides, though Honoka could not see the bluenette’s agreeing smile.

“Sorry?” Kotori helped tugged at the blanket too. “Ah, my jaw hurts a little…I haven’t laughed this much in a while…”

_Laugh… Kotori-chan and Umi-chan were laughing…_

“True. Honoka, get out of the covers. You’re always silly like that so it’s nothing new to us already.”

_I’m_ _always silly?_

Umi did not expect Honoka to loosen her grip and stumbled backwards with the blanket in hand thanks to the strength she put in at her last tug. Kotori was luckier in a sense as she wasn’t holding onto the blanket then.

“Honoka!” Umi scolded from the floor while Honoka panics from the bed and to her friend’s side.

“I-I’m sorry! Are you o-okay? You’re n-not injured right?” The gingerhead kneels with both hands to the floor and checking if the bluenette might be hurt anywhere, concern and guilt all over her face.

_I hope Umi-chan is alright! I-If she isn’t…what do I do?!_

“Eh?” Honoka blinks as Umi places a hand atop her head. “Umi…chan?”

The bluenette’s lips curve upwards while gazing gently into her best friend’s blue eyes that were still filled with worry. “I’m alright…Honoka.” 

_Umi-chan is alright…_

Honoka lowers her head as she lets out a breath of relief. “I’m glad.” Honoka raises her head a moment later with an expression that reflected how happy she is to know that Umi wasn’t injured in any way; Umi and Kotori who were both looking could not help but smile and felt like their old Honoka was back.

_Ah, I might be too close to Umi-chan right now…_

The moment didn’t last long enough for the bluenette or the ash-brunette’s liking as Honoka’s genuinely relieved smile turned into one of uncertainty and the way the gingerhead shifted away from Umi a little was enough to make Umi and Kotori’s smile fade.

Umi holds back a sigh and musters a smile. “I’ll be right back.” The bluenette stands and makes her way to a corner shelf in her room, making eye contact with the ash-brunette; signalling for the girl to take more steps to being close to their amnesiac best friend.

Kotori wore an apprehensive expression but gave a nod in response to Umi before looking back to the gingerhead who felt distant even though they were in the same room. Honoka turns to Kotori and their eyes met.

_Kotori-chan… I should apologize about before._

The ash-brunette takes a deep breath while crumpling the pants she was wearing, nervously glanced from the floor to Honoka before finally gathering enough courage within to apologize. “Honoka-chan-”

“Kotori-chan- Ah. I’m sorry for interrupting.” Honoka lowers her head apologetically while Kotori shook her head quickly.

“I’m the one who should be apologizing!” The ash-brunette inches closer to her best friend but stops short, not sure what she wanted to do next – hug Honoka? That might scare the girl.

_Apologize? But Kotori-chan didn’t do anything wrong._

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Honoka states in a serious tone which makes Kotori pause in her thoughts before shaking her head again.

“No… I do… I’m sorry for being unreasonable…” The ash-brunette bit the bottom of her lip as she thought back to a mess of a memory in the cold and harsh rain. She beat herself up in her mind a million times in the bath earlier but that could never be enough to forgive the way she made her best friend try so hard for her.

_I don’t think you’re being unreasonable…_

“Even so-”

“And for pushing you on the floor… Or hitting you-”

“It didn’t hurt! It didn’t…” The gingerhead cut in as she didn’t want her friend who looks really remorseful already to think that she took anything from earlier too badly, in the physical sense.

_It didn’t hurt as much as it hurt my heart that you were so upset. And I was so incapable of doing anything to help…_

Honoka furrows her eyebrows, a tiny frown on her lips and hands clenched at the thought of how useless she was.

The ash-brunette shook her head again; she felt that she needs to apologize more. She hasn’t been doing anything right ever since she found out Honoka does not remember her and she wanted to change that. “I’m sorry for making you lie. _And for running away all this time!_ ”

The last confession was said in a hurry and with force as Kotori noticed that Honoka wanted to stop her from apologizing again, and she really hated the her who kept running away. The ash-brunette’s hand reached out somewhere in between the space of her and Honoka as she wasn’t sure if she had the rights to take the gingerhead’s hand into hers.

_It wasn’t entirely a lie… If we did any of what I said…I might be able to remember something…_

“I’m sorry for making you run away from me…” Honoka again takes it upon herself the responsibility for her friends and families sadness.

_I should do better…_

Kotori shakes her head profusely. “Mm-mm. It’s my own fault. I couldn’t accept that you didn’t remember me. But you’re still Honoka-chan regardless. And I-”

“No, it’s my fault. If I didn’t lose my memories-”

Honoka shakes her head too and stares into Kotori’s eyes – both equally stubborn about taking blame and responsibility for the hurt caused and felt between the two friends.

“It’s my fault-”

“Mine-”

 _“Ah-”_ Honoka’s and Kotori’s back and forth was interrupted by the bluenette knocking a hand each to her childhood friend’s head; lightly so as to not hurt anyone, but enough pressure to get the two’s attention on her.

_Umi-chan?_

Umi closes her eyes and sighs with finality. “Honoka. You are to blame. And Kotori too. You both have a responsibility for what has been happening thus far. Even me. So…”

Umi opens her eyes to study each of her childhood friend’s reaction – Honoka was quiet, attentive and a hint of desire to oppose Umi’s statement, and Kotori still had that expression of guilt and self-criticality. Umi smiles at the two.

“Let’s make up.”

“Eh?” Honoka’s mouth was left hanging a little as she was confused by the bluenette’s simple three words.

“Make up…” Kotori mumbles the words, sadness apparent in her voice and eyes.

_Make up_ _… That’s what…friends do when they fight…right?_

Honoka blinked and a feeling determination seemed to sparked inside of her. She looks to Kotori and Umi; and when she saw the bluenette’s gentle smile and amber eyes – Honoka makes a decision to _make up_ with her childhood friends.

_I can do this._

The gingerhead reaches out and places a hand each on Umi’s and Kotori’s; Kotori flinched a little, but that won’t stop Honoka now. “Umi-chan… Kotori-chan…”

“Yeah?” Umi prompts patiently.

“..Mm?” Kotori sounds a respond meekly, worriedly.

_I want to make up with the both of you._

“I want to make the two of you smile… How can I do that?” Honoka asks in a clear voice. A voice that made Umi feel the warmth radiating from their connected hands, spreading to within her; and Kotori moves her free hand to put it above Honoka’s.

_Umi-chan… Kotori-chan…_

“Aren’t I already smiling?” Umi smiles a lopsided, happy smile.

“More… I want to make you smile more.” Honoka kept a determined pout; Umi is relieved to see that.

_Not just today. Not just right now…_

“Honoka-chan…” Kotori calls the name of her best friend earnestly and when Honoka looks at her, she smiles too. “Just…be yourself. Honoka-chan is Honoka-chan. I…I’ll do what I can to help you remember me… Us…”

_Be me… Remember us…_

Golden eyes that finally stopped staring at the ground or be shrouded by tears locked gazes with blue eyes that wavered with slight uncertainty.

_What if I don’t act like Honoka? What if I don’t regain my memories?_

Kotori turns the hand below Honoka’s to intertwine their fingers tightly, Umi doing the same to transfer confidence into their hesitating friend.

“Honoka.” Umi continues after the gingerhead looks over. “You’re not alone in this.”

_Not alone…_

“We’ll get through this together…” Kotori nods and gives her best friend’s hand an encouraging squeeze, for the both of them, Kotori knows she needs it.

_Together…_

Honoka swallows and returns the squeeze in each of her childhood friend’s hands. “I don’t know why but… I feel like I want to hug the both of you…”

Umi and Kotori’s eyes widened at that.

“But… That would be embarrassing and…I might cause you two troubles, like, maybe, you won’t like that? I don’t know…” Honoka’s hesitations made the bluenette and ash-brunette shuffle closer to the gingerhead on their own and wrap an arm each around their best friend’s back that stiffened from surprise.

_E-E-Ehh?! Umi-chan? Kotori-chan?_

“You always cause trouble, Honoka.” Umi says in a joking and loving tone.

_I always cause Umi-chan trouble?!_

“I like it when you hug me, Honoka-chan…” Kotori blushes at that admission, she never really verbally expressed that she loves her best friend’s habit of hugging her.

“Do I…hug people a lot?” Pink dusted Honoka’s cheeks at the idea of being so close physically to others often.

The synchronized nodding of heads by her childhood friends answered her question though.

“Do y’all…dislike it? Or others…disliked it?” The gingerhead was worried that she’ll find out that something she used to do was something many didn’t want and she didn’t notice then.

_I got to apologize to anyone who didn’t like that… It must be weird and scary to get hugged suddenly…_

Contrary to her plans of apologizing, Umi assures the worrywart gingerhead. “I never disliked your hugs, Honoka. I’m sure no one did.”

“Kotori thinks so too.” The ash-brunette chipped into helping Honoka not overthink things.

“Is that…so…” The edges of Honoka’s lips twitched upwards. “I’m glad…”

The three childhood friends basked in a silent and warm, nostalgic yet different atmosphere for some time before the gingerhead broke the silence.

“Um…”

_I feel like I just made my first two friends…_

Honoka smiles at that thought.

“What did you went to take earlier, Umi-chan?”

Honoka and Kotori’s curiosity was piqued as the bluenette’s reaction to the gingerhead’s question was to blush and look to the side, avoiding eye contact.

_Umi-chan blushing is kinda cute._

“Umi-chan?” Kotori prompts and somewhat reluctantly removes her hands from her best friend’s as she saw Umi remove her hand from Honoka’s.

_Aw…I liked the feeling of Umi-chan and Kotori-chan’s hand with mine… I wonder if that’s weird to think…_

“Mm…” The bluenette grunts her embarrassment to whatever she took out.

Umi wanted to help Honoka regain her memories in whatever way she can. And so she thought something memorable and very important to her could help as it was a shared memory with Honoka and Kotori. The only issue is that it was an extraordinary memory and memorial item.

Umi didn’t want to ever admit it or show it to either of her childhood friends if she had a choice. However, since her priority this time is to take any chances in helping Honoka regain her memory, she would put the embarrassment aside and take out a small cloth-wrapped box to show her two childhood friends.

“What is it?” Honoka asks in a whisper; Umi notes how the gingerhead still treat this sort of ‘secret reveals’ like opening a treasure box despite not having memories of all the time they played pretend together.

_Is it gold? A ring? Though why would Umi-chan be blushing over it?_

The bluenette unwraps the cloth and opens the box – inside revealed a used band-aid.

“A…band-aid?” Honoka cocks her head to the side, staring intently at the content of the box though not comprehending it.

_Why did Umi-chan want to show us a band-aid? Did I hurt my head earlier?_

“Yes… This was the… This is a very special and precious band-aid to me… It holds a memory for the three of us after all.” Umi smiles at the past.

“Special memory…” Honoka mumbles and leans subconsciously closer to the box in Umi’s hand.

“This was the band-aid you put on me back when we first met…” Umi explains while Honoka nods.

_When we first met…_

“You might think it weird that I keep a used band-aid, but… To me, it was a day of many firsts for me.” Umi chuckles softly. “I made my first friend because you befriended me, Honoka. Along with Kotori.”

Honoka blinks, taking in whatever the bluenette is telling her. Kotori smiles at the fond memory in the park when they were four.

“It was my first time playing with friends. And then it was the first time I ever scraped my knee from falling because we were playing tag… You ran really fast back then, Honoka.” Umi holds back a comment about her childhood friend’s present state of fitness; which was lacking when compared to the diligent archer.

_First friends…_

“And so, it was the first time I had a friend put a band-aid on for me… It was the first time I felt that…I can count on a friend… I can count on you, Honoka…then and the future, and right now.” Umi completes her story with a happy sigh.

_Umi-chan counts on me… Counts on Honoka… Ah…Why don’t I have a single memory of what Umi-chan just shared? …_

Honoka’s eyes clouded over in an attempt to force a memory back but Umi closing the box audibly broke Honoka out of her attempt, before the pain attacked her again.

“Thank you, Umi-chan…” Honoka smiles forlornly.

_For holding me dear to you… Even though I don’t remember…_

“I think I do have a weird habit of carrying band-aids around though… My pocket earlier probably has some…” Honoka comments thoughtfully.

 _I wonder why I carry band-aids around…_   

“I helped you take it out before putting it in the wash, don’t worry.” Umi assures even though the gingerhead wasn’t thinking of that.

Kotori was smiling throughout the unexpected and heart-warming sharing from her usually cool childhood friend. Carried away by the nostalgia and fresh memories of the past made Kotori feel like everything was okay and forget momentarily that Honoka doesn’t remember anything.

“Hono-” The ash-brunette’s words remained in her throat and on her tongue as she took in the sight of Honoka; an expression of seriousness and staring intently at the box which held the memory-filled band-aid. Kotori remembers then that Honoka doesn’t remember, and a Honoka who doesn’t remember won’t think of teasing the easily flustered bluentte together with her. 

Kotori lowers her gaze, her smile mimicking Honoka’s forlornness; wondering when things can go back to normal, wondering if she’ll be able to be fully positive for Honoka.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> …
> 
> I don’t think this story is going to be super angsty and sad as we progress. :3 I mean, things are supposed to get better. :P 
> 
> If anything, lesser on the Kotori angst (hopefully).
> 
> But- *sighs* Honoka grasping for blurred memories and hurting, makes me feel so in pain. :P
> 
> Well. :) Leave me comments and your thoughts on how this chapter was! :D 
> 
> And I’ll see you next chapter~

**Author's Note:**

> I'm in pain. I feel for Honoka and all of Muse. And I'm the one who wrote this. Sheesh! OxO
> 
> Things accumulate, and snowballs. Honoka's memory loss was a sooner or later thing with all that happened to her!
> 
> So how was it? Do let me know what you think! XD By the way, I'm sorry for putting everyone through the sadness and pain from Kotori almost leaving Muse, Japan and Honoka again! And Umi slapping Honoka... OxO I felt pain too!
> 
> So~ Leave a comment or review if you like~ XD (while I go attempt to recover from the hurt…)


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